I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 25-07-2026 1229There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease. I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 06-06-2026 1758The wife and I was going through a really bad time and we made the decision together to kill ourselves. She went first then all of a sudden I felt much better.
Disease/Illness Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 07-06-2026 1910I phoned the tinnitus helpline today. It just kept ringing.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 11-05-2026 0917My grandad had Parkinson's disease. He could never stop interviewing people.
How do you turn a 110lb weakling into a man of steel? Polio
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 11-06-2026 0903I love being bi-polar, it's shit.
Disease/Illness › Mental as Physical Mental as Physical Stickyagain (2066) · 20-08-2026 1056How to get rid of crabs: 1. shave one testicle so they all move over to the other one. 2. Set the hair on that testicle on fire so they all jump back to the shaved one. 3. As they jump back, stab each one with an ice pick.
Apparently my hypochondria and constant trips to clinics is a burden to the NHS. My gynecologist just told me.
Disease/Illness Stickyagain (2066) · 26-06-2026 0717Pop star Kylie Minogue reveals she was given a cancer diagnosis for the second time in 2021, in an interview to promote her new single Light Up. 'Light Up'? No wonder she keeps getting cancer.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 20-05-2026 0557The universal hatred of Kier Starmer from both the political right & left reminds me of Gemma Collins & Karen Carpenter They both had empty cupboards. But for very very different reasons
Disease/Illness LennysCrevasse (1335) · 08-08-2026 1611My current job application asked me if I suffered from any disabilities, so I put down Narcolepsy and Tourettes. Now I sleep whenever I like and if anyone disturbs me I tell them to fuck off.
Disease/Illness notbaldbob (1145) · 19-07-2026 1048It must be tough for someone who suffers from Bulimia and OCD. Eating alphabety spaghetti then trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.
Disease/Illness notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 0957I was devastated to find out that Mr Potato Head is very ill. He has a brain tuber.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 15-05-2026 0915What's 10 foot long and stinks of piss?? Conga line in an old peoples home
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 15-03-2026 2054How many narcoleptics does it take to change a ligh65hyuyij9iuyfgtr/dfsyt7uyjhu9ko;klo[pl;fgt5
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 06-08-2026 1423On Sunday there, I had triple-cooked chips at my Nan's. Her dementia's definitely getting worse.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 19-06-2026 1829Every New Year's Eve I go to the annual Bulimic's Ball. It's always heaving. (and there's no fat birds)
Disease/Illness ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2118) · 31-12-2025 0016I love being schizophrenic, don't we
My father was a great scientist who pioneered the use of bleach injections as a cure for Covid 19. He actually won an award for his work. I mean, it was a Darwin Award but an award's an award, isn't it?
Disease/Illness › COVID / Pandemic COVID / Pandemic Hengist (858) · 16-08-2026 1622My cousin's invited me to her wedding. I'll be there with bells on! This leprosy's not getting any better.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 25-07-2026 1208I knew a bloke who was knighted, had a terrible drink addiction which led to his demise. R.I.P Sir Rhosis
Disease/Illness Dogpad (125) · 18-06-2026 1853Why didn't Karen Carpenter ever visit Ethiopia? She couldn't deal with the sight of so many fat people
Disease/Illness LennysCrevasse (1335) · 17-06-2026 1803I think I might have something wrong with one of my testicles. The middle one is hanging lower than the other two.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 12-01-2026 1631God bless ChatGPT If I were a psychiatrist, I'd get the fuck down to see what's left at the Amazon warehouse while you still have time... Otherwise it's sucking dick on platform 17 at Leeds station
I was asked to run a support group for people who have Parkinson's Disease. What a bunch of miserable bastards. I usually start each session with a game of Operation to lift their mood and raise their self esteem.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 22-06-2026 0841What's green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonorrhoea.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 26-05-2026 2240Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old kid crying? Mid life crisis!
Disease/Illness DdraigGoch (726) · 11-02-2026 0856We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.
Disease/Illness Gungho_ED (298) · 24-01-2026 2315I made my wife go to a fancy dress party last night as an exhaust pipe. She was fuming.
Disease/Illness garry6291 (641) · 22-12-2025 1936Two lepers are sat having their lunch. The first leper says to the second leper, ' Oi! Stop dipping your bread in my shoulder. '
Disease/Illness › Leprosy Leprosy Squeaky (1929) · 27-08-2026 0808When I was younger, I traveled all over the country working with "The Skids" Now I'm happy to say my irritable bowel is under control.
Disease/Illness Stickyagain (2066) · 14-08-2026 1015If you can spell Tertiary Syphilis, chances are you don't have it.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 15-07-2026 1113Always turn electrical equipment off at night other than two things Refrigerators and life support machines. Otherwise we will be wasting a whole lot of vegetables.
Disease/Illness notbaldbob (1145) · 12-07-2026 2120Bruce Foxton, bassist with the Jam, reveals Parkinson’s diagnosis. On the plus, wobbly bass is kinda trendy these days.
Disease/Illness theverydevilhimself 🥈 🥇 (3362) · 01-07-2026 1727Apparently over 60% of all hospital appointments are unnecessary. My gynaecologist told me.
Disease/Illness garry6291 (641) · 19-05-2026 0818I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash. Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him. I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances. "Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 10-05-2026 1325Why do women get yeast infections? So they too, know what it's like to deal with an irritating cunt every once in a while.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 30-03-2026 2052Why did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the clutch.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 27-03-2026 1620My wife and I both enjoy a cigarette but we would never subject our kids to the dangers of passive smoking. So we built them a shelter at the bottom of the garden.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 18-02-2026 1028Every time the leper visits his favourite whore, he leaves a tip.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 16-02-2026 2137I have always been terrified of giants. After being seen and assessed by a clinical psychologist,I was diagnosed as suffering from Fefifobia.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 02-02-2026 1036I always remember getting through to the final of the Blow Football competition. I ended up playing the guy who had won it for the past 10 years. Just after the match started he had an asthma attack. I won 35-0!
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 22-01-2026 1105I called my son's teacher this morning and said, "He won't be coming in today, he's got diarrhea and has just followed through in his pants...and he is very embarrassed" "Fair enough, " he said, "It's going around the school." "Is it?" I asked. "Yes," he laughed, "I'm telling everyone."
Disease/Illness garry6291 (641) · 13-12-2025 1518I worked with a bloke who on first impression was agitated, confused and strangely foaming out the mouth. I haven’t seen him for a few weeks. I do wonder what happened to Ray Bies.
Disease/Illness Dogpad (125) · 16-09-2026 2340Trust the science! But let me plead the fifth real quick!
Ward round ICU. The consultant is reviewing the patient and asks the registrar for a summary. "I'm sorry to say we suspect he is brain-damaged sir." Senior Nurse asks "What should we do next?" Consultant looks at the notes, snaps them shut and says "Elect him to the Hospital management committee, should fit in nicely."
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 02-07-2026 0938Kevin Keegan number 7 Kenny Dalglish number 7 I bet Ronaldo is shitting himself
Disease/Illness Gungho_ED (298) · 02-06-2026 2040If you only have two hours left to live,watch a Scottish football match. Then it will seem like four hours.
Disease/Illness Squeaky (1929) · 09-02-2026 1220I knew that I had a drink problem when my piss began to smell of alcohol. I knew that I was an alcoholic when I discovered that it tasted like it too.
Disease/Illness Harold-Bisop (76) · 27-12-2025 0127I like to look on the good side of Parkinson's disease. At least you get a good wank.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 12-07-2026 1105After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'.
Disease/Illness notbaldbob (1145) · 04-07-2026 1641I was just walking past the mental health unit when I heard all the patients shouting inside "nine...nine...nine..." There was a fence blocking my view so I found a small hole and pressed my eye to it. Turns out some schizo had slit his wrists and his retarded mates were trying to use a cassette player to get Alexa to call an ambulance
Why are there no more cases of hemorrhoids in France? Because they're all perfect assholes.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 02-06-2026 2127What do you call a leper in a box? A jigsaw puzzle.
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 23-05-2026 2145Two syphilli are hanging from a cliff. One turns to the other and says "Looks like we're a gonner here."
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 13-04-2026 1720Doctor Doctor, it hurts when I do this, (rotates arm around his elbow). Doctor: Well don't do it then
Disease/Illness supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 17-01-2026 0930A single 25-year-old man, who hasn't had a woman in over a year wanders in to a bar with the hope of getting lucky. He buys most of the single gals there a drink, but it doesn't even get him a good conversation, let alone getting laid. He keeps trying, but within a half hour of closing time most of the women have wandered out of the bar.....all except one. She not what he had in mind, as she's at least 60 years old and sort of ugly. But he figures "Any port in a storm". So he buys her a quick last drink, and find that she is also desperate for sex, so they wind up in the back seat of his car in the car park. After some necking, he unclips her bra and starts sucking on her tits. He gets some white milky substance in his mouth, and says to her "Hey, you're a little old for child bearing aren't you"? And she replies "Yeah, but I'm not too old for breast cancer"!
Disease/Illness Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 28-06-2026 0846Just went to the off-licence and the guy behind the counter wished me a Merry Christmas. Like he's not going to see me 15 more times before then.
Disease/Illness ianwatkins 🥈 🥉 (2118) · 07-12-2025 1235If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.
Disease/Illness supergalley 🥇 (2032) · 03-12-2025 0352