I was on holiday with my Mrs, we were sat on the beach and all the other women were topless. I said "why don't you take your bikini top off?" She said "I feel self conscious" She finally did and said "how do I look?" I said "great" she said "really?" I said "yeah, it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face "
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 05-09-2026 1231My wife said to me yesterday "do you want to suck my tits?" I said "no, I don't eat anything that's been on the floor"
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 24-07-2026 1413The missus walked out on me because of my shit sense of direction . She just packed her stuff and right.
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 30-06-2026 1917My dad’s always been fascinated by our family history, so I bought him a DNA ancestry test for his birthday. He must have thought it was a shit present. He hasn’t spoken to me since. Or Mum, oddly.
Wife WayOutWest (428) · 24-07-2026 0558My wife wanted to feel like she was on Love Island. So I invited a bunch of spastics round and blew up the inflatable paddling pool.
Wife WayOutWest (428) · 21-07-2026 1827My wife walked in on me fucking a girl at work up the arse. She screamed "you can't do this to me!" I said "I know, that's why I'm doing it to her! "
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 21-07-2026 0900I'm not saying that my wife is fat, but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought I'd just missed Eastenders.
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 08-08-2026 1105When I first met my future wife I thought "wow, what an arse!" Sadly, she thought the same about me.
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 26-06-2026 1919My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.
Wife Squeaky (1937) · 11-09-2026 0735Ask your wife to sit on her hand til it goes numb, before wanking you off. It'll feel like her sister's doing it.
Wife scotty (549) · 27-08-2026 1236As I pointed the gun at my wife’s face I said, “Any last words?” Three hours later, I shot her.
Wife notbaldbob (1145) · 16-07-2026 0537I've just finished a bird table and my Mrs has gone mental. I only put her at no. 4
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 30-06-2026 1819Whenever I see my wife and her sister together... I wonder where Cinderella is.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 21-05-2026 1204I asked my wife if she would like me to buy her a diamond ring for our wedding anniversary. ' I would like nothing better, ' she replied. I decided to go with that option.
Wife Squeaky (1937) · 13-05-2026 0922"You treat me like a dog," said my wife."I want us to sit down and talk about it." "OK," I replied, "but not on the couch."
Wife Stallion (1608) · 10-07-2026 1130I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high, and she looked surprised.
Wife mrjayhey (143) · 18-06-2026 1208I was home watching a film when a pole dancing scene came on. I said to my wife "you'd do really well at that " she said "that's a complement, do you really mean it?" I said yeah, you could fit about £10k in those knickers you wear"
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 03-09-2026 1149My wife is so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her arse is still in them.
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 24-07-2026 1412My wife hates it when I hold the door open for her. She says "why can't I just have a shit in peace"
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 17-07-2026 0745My Wife says she is going to leave me if I don’t stop Gambling. I think she’s bluffing.
Wife Baldlice (111) · 30-06-2026 2209My wife won me over with the line "I love the big bulge in your jeans, it really excites me!" Eventually I realised she meant my wallet!
Wife DdraigGoch (729) · 17-06-2026 2358I met my wife when we both worked at the abattoir. She was stunning.
Wife garry6291 (641) · 15-03-2026 1150As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 19-02-2026 1053My wife says and does the nicest things. Just this morning she said, "I'm taking the kids and leaving you."
Wife Stallion (1608) · 18-01-2026 1000My wife asked me for £150 a month for the weight loss jab. I gave her £20 to buy a padlock for the fridge.
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 26-06-2026 1924I've just ordered and paid for a stripper for my wife's birthday I hope she likes her.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 13-06-2026 1528I remember when my wife was having our baby shouting, PUSH PUSH PUSH! She was wank at bump starting the car when she was pregnant
My wife said she wanted me to be more like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. It’s the reason I spend so much time online harassing Whoopi Goldberg.
Wife WayOutWest (428) · 05-08-2026 1941I wouldn't say my missus was ugly but she came second in a Megan Fox look a like competition. Diane Abbott won it.
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 01-08-2026 1952The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Wife notbaldbob (1145) · 25-07-2026 1045If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone. In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.
Wife notbaldbob (1145) · 24-07-2026 0710My wife refuses to have a colostomy operation She says she can't find shoes to match her bag.
I threw a punch at my wife's chin and missed. Luckily, I hit the one below it.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 10-05-2026 1751just bought a new present for my wife that i think might liven her up a bit in the bed. Its a defibrillator.
Wife garry6291 (641) · 19-03-2026 0854My wife got up and threw the bedroom curtains open this morning. ' It's another beautiful day darling, ' she said. ' I can't see a fucking thing, ' I replied, ' it's pitch black in here. '
Wife Squeaky (1937) · 26-08-2026 0831I went to the chemist and asked him to give me something to kill the missus. He said "Sorry sir but I can't do that". I then showed him a photo of my fat and ugly twat of a wife and he replied."Apologies you poor man I didn't realise you had a prescription".
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 26-07-2026 2108Me and the wife are having what is known as Olympic sex... It happens once every 4 years.
Wife notbaldbob (1145) · 25-07-2026 1038What do you call a scouse woman in a white tracksuit? The bride
Wife Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 12-07-2026 1106Why do they call it Pre-Menstrual Tension? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Wife Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 12-07-2026 1100The wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied. "No." I said, "in case your main chute doesn't fucking open."
Wife supergalley (2042) · 01-07-2026 1427People say my wife has been around the block, but that's an understatement. Putting it in her is like opening the window and shagging the night
Wife mrjayhey (143) · 20-06-2026 0944I told my wife that our marriage is like a long-term prison sentence, the only difference is that in prison, you actually get a decent shag.
Wife mrjayhey (143) · 18-06-2026 1641My wife was getting undressed in the bedroom. I said "move away from the window would you, the neighbour's will think I married you for your money"
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 17-06-2026 1151I went to the mortuary to identify my wife's body. When they removed the sheet I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't her.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 03-04-2026 0809When my wife saw my face, after all this time, she burst into tears. It was then that she realised... Witness Protection is a joke.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 25-01-2026 0953"Do you think I'm sexy with lingerie on or completely naked?," asked my wife. "No," I replied.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 28-12-2025 1316My missus has just told me that shaving takes the weight off my face. So I suggested she shave her arse.
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 11-12-2025 1949The difference between a turd and your wife. You don't have to cuddle a turd after you've laid it.
Wife Squeaky (1937) · 13-09-2026 0748The Police just been to my door holding a picture of my Wife They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked I answered "Yes" They said " We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids....."
Wife notbaldbob (1145) · 12-07-2026 2132Came home early and caught my best mate fucking the missus.i said "Fucking ell Dave I have to do that what's your excuse"?
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 21-06-2026 1212You can tell the days are getting longer. It's half past 6 and I can still see how ugly the wife is.
Wife Gungho_ED (298) · 22-03-2026 1815I found a lump underneath my wife's breast. Nothing to worry about, it was just her kneecap.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 21-02-2026 1501My wife makes my heart skip a beat every time I see her. Wish I'd never bought her that Tazer to be honest.
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 19-12-2025 1954My wife asks me, "What do you like most about me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?" I looked at her and said, "I like your sense of humour!"
Wife Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 19-12-2025 1529"Do you remember that row twenty years ago when we sat down and wrote down each others faults?" I said to my wife. "Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere, " she said with a giggle. "I've finished, " I replied.
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 15-12-2025 1000I got up this morning and my wife was sat under the tree stark naked with her legs wide open, "Come get your Christmas present, " she said. "Can you take it back tomorrow and get me a smaller size?" I asked.
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 15-12-2025 0958I got my wife a personalized birthday card from 🎶 fat pig.com 🎶
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 21-06-2026 1024This old woman was up in court for stealing a tin of peaches and the judge asked how many slices were in the tin? She answered "Six your honour" So the judge said "Well to fit the crime for each slice one month so I sentence you to prison for six months". Then her husband stood and said "If i may your honour permission to speak.... The thieving bitch stole a bag of rice as well".
Wife Joeydeaconsbastard (1173) · 10-06-2026 1958I spent 20 minutes banging and slamming around the house and eventually screamed at the kids "Where's that bastard thing that peels the vegetables?" Apparently she went back to her mother's a few days ago.
Wife DdraigGoch (729) · 01-06-2026 0529My wife decided that we should try role play to spice up our sex life, she bought herself a Nurse's uniform and bought me a white coat and stethoscope so we could play Doctors and Nurses. 20 minutes in, I was just getting warmed up and had diagnosed halitosis, piles, obesity, flatulence, a lazy eye and excessive facial hair when she seemed to go off the idea?
Wife DdraigGoch (729) · 29-05-2026 1002As my wife gets older, she reminds me of ABBA. She looks like Agnetha from behind, but Benny from the front
Wife Gungho_ED (298) · 03-05-2026 1905My wife really knows how to show me a good time. She often points at people and says, "Look, they're having a good time."
Wife Stallion (1608) · 02-04-2026 0603My wife has left me because i'm so insecure. Hang on,,,she's back now....she was making a cup of tea.
Wife garry6291 (641) · 13-02-2026 1806Honestly, I got my wife a personalised number plate for her birthday which she had kept hinting at and still she's not happy with it. F4 TTY.
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 30-01-2026 0743Hey you ever piss in the shower? She replied "sometime by accident" What the fuck, accident? Reply was not expected "you know when you take a shit and you piss a bit" So I need a new shower mat and some acid.
My wife was trying in dresses in a shop. She said "does my bum look bigger in this one or the last one?" I say "why do you want a dress to make your arse look bigger? It's massive enough.
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 22-08-2026 2035My wife asked me what I'd do if she ever left me? I got to “I'd finally be able to talk without being interrupted…” Sofas are comfy, right?
Wife MoistenReady69 (37) · 13-08-2026 2239My mate asked me what my wife did for a living. I said "it's hard to say really, she sells sea shells on the sea shore"
Wife Stickyagain (2067) · 04-06-2026 1757A woman walks down the aisle, gets to the altar and then sings a hymn. Those three words are all she focuses on. Aisle, alter, hymn. I'll alter him.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 21-05-2026 1210My wife and I got divorced because we wanted different things in our marriage. She wanted me to drink less.Spend more time as a family.Tidy the garden and do all the odd jobs round the house. I wanted to fuck other women.
Wife Squeaky (1937) · 20-04-2026 0934My friend's wife got the car in the divorce so he said he had to rent one. "Hertz?" I asked. "It sure does." he said with a tear in his eye.
Wife ianwatkins 🥉 (2120) · 28-01-2026 0027Girlfriend: "Hold me, wrap your arms around me and never let me go." Wife: "Your knee is on my side of the fucking bed again!"
Wife Stallion (1608) · 19-01-2026 1747I came home to find my wife on her hands and knees. "What's wrong?," I asked. "I've got chest pains," she replied. "You're kneeling on your tits," I said.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 03-01-2026 1010My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish everything I start. So far today, I’ve finished a bag of chips, a bottle of gin, and my marriage. I feel lighter already
Wife supergalley (2042) · 30-12-2025 1716My son has the same colour eyes as my wife. Neither of them have learnt to duck when they piss me off.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 06-12-2025 1930So today started good, then I said to wife "I am thinking of getting...." Woke up in A&E with a kitchen knife in my head!
Wife NotEasilyOffended (102) · 01-08-2026 2202Why are women like washing machines? They both leak when they're fucked.
Wife Allobosca 🥈 (2268) · 27-04-2026 0119By the end of it, I get really sick of seeing my wife's face light up all over Christmas. Fat cow is always opening in the fridge door.
Wife Gungho_ED (298) · 10-12-2025 1739My wife as looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said. "Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 05-12-2025 13577 pints, 2 joints and half a Viagra. I'm feeling manly and walking out of the bedroom to wash my knob in the sink. "Can you paint the bedroom ceiling this weekend?" was not the first words I was expecting to hear the wife say when I ran the tap
Wife Gungho_ED (298) · 18-02-2026 2057My missus said I was unromantic because I never wrote her a love letter...so I soon put that right. I love doggies I love bacon I love beer I love brandy I love guitars. I love football I love motorbikes I love computers I love chocolate I love walking I love chips You say I never wrote you a love letter. There you go!
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 17-02-2026 0902Women eh, the wife's running round like a scalded cat that she's late for her first weight watchers meeting, I only mentioned that it wouldn't matter as she was twenty years late already. Sent from A&E Rochdale. Not many stitches needed this time.
Wife Kimjongreject (287) · 30-01-2026 1006If your wife's mother just died, how long should you console her for? It's just that my chips are getting cold.
Wife Stallion (1608) · 07-12-2025 1253The wife asked me what I had bought her mother for her birthday. I told her I’d made her a booby trapped flashbang grenade. The wife said that she would hate it, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it!
Wife supergalley (2042) · 01-12-2025 0729