I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when the bus suddenly left without me. "Cunt!" I shouted. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

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I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscreen

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Breaking news: three cliff walkers fall to their death in lake district. What are the chances? they all had the same name!

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Stood at the bus stop next to a man with one arm and he was wearing is watch on his stump. So being the nosy cunt I am I said "How come you don't wear your watch on your good arm"? And he replied "Well how the fuck would I be able to wind it up".

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A coffee enema is supposed to be really good for your liver. Pro tip: leave it to cool down a bit first.

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My granddad downed nineteen aircraft during his military service in World War Two. He's actually still famous as the worst mechanic the RAF ever had.

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Saw this old man with one leg leaning on a cash machine. I asked him if he's okay and he replied."Yes son I'm just checking my balance".

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There was a kid in my year at high school who was allergic to water. Well, I say 'allergic'. He drowned.

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"Keep your eyes on the road, and your hands upon the wheel". Solid advice for motorists. Disastrous advice for motorcyclists.

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When I was involved in a three car pile up recently, I managed to escape with a dead leg. Not sure who's it was, but finders keepers.

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When I was a kid, my mother used to use Frank Sinatra records to get me to sleep. She used to hit me over the head with them.

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I just hate it when I’m posting on Facebook and I’m rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen

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My grandad got the idea for a super strong adhesive when he was tortured by the Japanese during the war. No more nails.

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A woman is eagerly waiting for news about her son, who is taking his driving test, when the phone rings. "Hello?" she says, nervously. "He's passed," says the voice on the other end. "First time? That's wonderful!" the woman says. "No missus, I mean he died in the ambulance ten minutes after smashing into that HGV."

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I walked into a car showroom last night. I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window." He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window." I said, "You do now."

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Woke up from an induced coma and the nurse said "Joey you've been in a bad traffic accident and you won't be able to feel from the waist down".So I asked "Can I feel your tits then"?

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They say that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and heat the base of the bottle with a lighter, the testicle will eventually be sucked inside. If anyone has successfully reversed this process, can you please let me know. It's quite urgent.

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It's always been my goal in life to be the first man to climb Everest without using oxygen cannisters. That's the hill I will die on.

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The local social club was having a charity event for women amputees. The place was crawling with fanny.

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I'm watching a women's volleyball tournament and 5 minutes in there's a horrific wrist injury. Hopefully I'll be ok by the final.

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I'm so unlucky, if I fell in a barrel of tits I'd come out sucking my thumb.

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Finally received my hand transplant I asked the surgeon will I be able to play the guitar now. The surgeon said "Yes" I replied "Wow that's incredible because I couldn't play it before".

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Even today, train drivers are finding innovative ways of going on strike

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During my annual check-up I said, 'Well, Doc, what's the verdict? Think I'll live a long and healthy life?' He replied, 'Doubt it somehow. You see, Mercury is in Uranus right now.' 'Come on, Doc, I don't go in for any of that astrology bollocks!' 'Neither do I, my thermometer just broke.'

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My mate has had a motorcycle accident. He has a broken leg, broken ribs and brain damage. It's no wonder he crashed really.

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Sydney woman attacked by shark wakes briefly from coma to say three words. 'Fucking shark bastard'?

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Train driver killed and 89 injured in railway crash. Now that's a Bedfordshire Clanger.

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Meghan Markle is flogging £1,700 tickets to a wellness retreat in Sydney, described as 'a girls' weekend like no other'. If that's outside your budget range, ladies, try the Princess Diana Weekend Experience instead. You go to Paris and get completely smashed.

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What's the difference between Princess Diana and a ginger schoolkid? The kid knows how to handle a belt

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When I think of all the people I've lost along the way, it makes me wonder whether being a tour guide was really the right career path for me.

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