Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.

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The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

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I had only been seeing my girlfriend for two weeks when she was killed in a car crash. The first time I met her parents was at the funeral.What a pair of miserable bastards they were.

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This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.

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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

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I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

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I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

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Gemma Collins,always handy to have around when you need to close a over packed suitcase.

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Bit of a drop on. Those who have been burned beyond recognition in Switzerland, are only 70 miles away from Dignatas

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I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.

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Had a hearing test yesterday to prove to my family I wasn't going deaf. Of course I sailed through it,but afterwards the Audiologist said something strange to me. She said I should get an earring made.

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Handy Tip. To avoid any confusion with the keys to your house,get a pink one for the front door and a brown one for the back door.

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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your willpower! I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it if you stop working in a fast food place." In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What's wrong?” The boy says, “My ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus, " the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No thanks, mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.” Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a breakneck shutter speed, making it possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctor's. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” That should more or less cover everyone !!

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Dear amazon, Could you please ask your operatives to refrain from verbally abusing me and spitting at me when delivering my parcels. Yours Mr K D Fiddler Rochdale

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Took my girlfriend to meet my parents last night.. The wife wasn't very happy though.

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This dry January is getting really hard now.

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Funny how when it snows the 'homeless' mysteriously find a bed for the night.

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The fact that Jesus didn't have a fair trial,called everyone brother and liked gospel were strong indications that he was probably black.

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I was driving to work when a Lollipop lady cleaned the snow off my windscreen. Although, I think the impact helped a bit.

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I may not be a gynaecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.

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Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.

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When doing dry January it's important to find ways to replace alcohol in your life. For example, I've replaced drinking with severe boredom, crippling depression and existential dread.

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My sister just gave birth but sadly the baby has Down's Syndrome. I told her we should have used a condom.

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Walking through the park yesterday I saw a boy flailing his arms around and making animal noises. I decided to join him and we both got louder and louder. A woman appeared and said, ' What do you think you are doing? ' ' Playing dinosaurs, ' I replied. ' Fuck off, ' she said, 'he's got Down's Syndrome.'

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I'm not saying your wife is fat and ugly, but when she stripped off at the nudest beach, the tide went out and didn't come back.

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I came home to find my wife on her hands and knees. "What's wrong?," I asked. "I've got chest pains," she replied. "You're kneeling on your tits," I said.

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I drink my coffee like an American cop. Black with a couple of shots in it.

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Q. What goes . . . black white red black white red black white red black white red? A. A nun rolling down a hill with a hatchet in her back. --- Q. What goes . . . black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red white? A. A nigger wanking.

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Travelling at 80 mph in my car I hit a man and he went head first through the windscreen. A police officer witnessed it and said to me, " don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."

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Jesy Nelson told her twin babies may 'never walk'. Little Crips?

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I'm proud to say I've never been to bed with an ugly bird. I've woken up with a few though.

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What kind of idiot lights sparklers on champagne bottles then holds them next to the ceiling in a Swiss nightclub? It's completely cuckoo.

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I am defo not going to Minnesota to do the ICE bullet challenge!

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I was mugged last night by a boy with a knife. The police think he was local as the knife still had butter on it.

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I was playing in the park with my daughter when a kid ran up to me and slapped me round the face with a slice of cheese.. I said how dairy

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