Women and dog shit. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

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Had a bit of a row with my girlfriend in the pub last night and she ended up going off with 2 blokes in their van! Bloody paramedics.

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I went to the mortuary to identify my wife's body. When they removed the sheet I started sobbing uncontrollably. It wasn't her.

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What do you call a black man in disguise? Incognegro.

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Two Japanese sewage workers have been working the same stretch of sewer for twenty years, one on the day shift, one on the night shift. Every daily change of shift as one is entering the sewer, the other is leaving. In twenty years they never say a word to each other. Anyway, they are both up for retirement, and as they are long serving, hardworking city employees, the city lay on a party for them. So there they are sitting there, both holding a drink, one of them decides he's going to break the ice. He walks over, says 'hello' - the other says 'hello' back, and says 'you know what, we've been working in the same place for so long, and never said a word'. To which the other replies 'I know, we've just been two nips that pass in the shite'.

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At the end of the Last Supper Jesus was handed the bill. He began shaking his head and said, ' what idiot ordered the wine? '

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What do you call a Somalian standing on a snow topped mountain? A 99.

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex. That way she deflates much quicker.

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I was clearing out my late Nan's house and I found an interesting looking Chinese vase in a box in the attic. I wondered if it was valuable, perhaps Qing or Ming dynasty. So I placed it with Sothebys Auctioneers. I'm delighted to say that it sold for a six-figure sum! £6

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A man staggers into hospital, says to the doctor "Arrrgh! I've been raped by an elephant!" Doctor examines rapees bum hole and cries "You're right. But your arsehole is 10 inches wide, but an elephant's cock is only 2 inches wide. How'd it get that big?" "He fingered me first."

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Did you hear about the Paki that fucked a Princess? He burnt his dick on the exhaust pipe.

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I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.

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My brother was born by cesarean section. He said it didn't affect him in any way but he always leaves the house through the living room window instead of the front door.

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I told my new girlfriend that I'd just got out of a toxic relationship. She immediately started being extra nice and doing anything I wanted. I just smiled and thought, "She thinks I was the victim."

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I've always liked learning new synonyms. Last night, at a wine tasting, I learnt that 'sophisticated palate' means exactly the same thing as 'pretentious cunt.'

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I got my phone bill earlier and it came to over £200. That's the last time I ring "Stuttering Sluts Live."

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What's the difference between a piece of toast and French men? You can make soldiers out of a piece of toast.

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What do you call a Lesbian Paki? Mingita

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What do you call a Paki that doesn't smell? Asif

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The gorgeous blonde doctor wrote her address on a piece of paper and slipped it in my pocket. I'll be fucked if I can read it.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. All he got was a mouthful of cum 'cos Jill's a fucking tranny.

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The doctor told me I had 3 months to live, I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright you've got 8 million seconds to live." Nod to DdraigGoch

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What's got two legs and bleeds ? Half a dog.

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What do you do if a kitten spits at you? Turn the grill down a little.

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I'm not saying that I have a big cock but every time I get a hard-on my feet go numb.

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A woman gives birth to the smartest baby ever. The baby is able to talk. The next day his father visits them at the hospital. The father looks at the baby and the baby pokes the man on the head, then he says "Now you know how I felt!"

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Two black women with babies, at a bus stop. One says to the other: "Is your teething, yet?" Other one says: "He's managed to get two car stereos and a handbag!"

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What sits at the end of a bed and take the piss? A kidney dialysis machine.

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Ida Mae passes away, and Bubba calls the hospital. The operator asks where the ambulance can find Ida Mae. He says "We're at the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?". After a bit of thought, Bubba asks, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?"

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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3, one to screw it in, one to get me a beer and one to suck my cock

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I ate too many large omelettes in a week and got badly constipated. Saw my GP, he prescribed Dulcolax suppositories. Tasted nasty! And for all the good they did, I might just as well have shoved them up my arse!!

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Q. What's the difference between a barrowload of diarrhoea & a barrowload of babies? A. You can't unload diarrhoea with a pitchfork!

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Went into town today to hire a private detective,he is very highly recommended. When I got to his office there was a sign that said, Closed. Leave your fingerprints on the door and I'll get back to you.

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Have you tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they!

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3 prostitutes in a bar, first one says "I've had so much sex I can stick my fist up my cunt". Second one says "that's nothing, I've had so much sex I can stick both fists up my cunt". Third one says "I beat both of you... I've had so much sex I..." and she slid 5 inches down the barstool!

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What's the definition of confused? Forty blind lesbians in a fish market.

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A man was sitting on the bus, and about five minutes into the journey, he felt a huge bump and heard a massive bang "What was that?" he asked the driver "Just a paki" the driver shrugged. Another five minutes goes by, and another bang and bump. The driver looks over his shoulder and explained he's just hit another. Just before the mans stop, he feels two huge bumps. "Did you get two in one then?" the man askes. The driver turned 'round and said: "Nah, just the one, but I had to mount the pavement to get the bastard!"

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I know that Stevie Wonder is blind but I heard that his dick can lip read.

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