I've invented a magic beam that you can aim at any woman's head and it instantly enables you to have sex with them. Although it's technically more of a plank.

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I saw a white girl down town the other day and she had 5 black kids! I thought to myself how unlucky is that being raped 5 times.

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I recently made a girl squirt for the first time. It was pepper spray, but still a result.

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I dumped my girlfriend because she enjoys anal sex. Don't get me wrong I love fucking women up the ass - but only when they hate it.

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Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.

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I finally got my hands on some Rohypnol, but I'm a bit confused. On the packet it says 'Best Before Date', but then there's no numbers or anything.

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Jokes about incest, child abuse and suicide are not funny. My daughter died that way.

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I hate being out at night, alone and scared that somebody might shoot me. I don't even know why I became a rapist.

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I always sweat a lot when I have sex. Probably due to the wool in my balaclava.

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I upset a girl once who'd just been raped by telling a joke about rape. Well, I say a joke, it was more a sarcastic comment really as I was doing my flies up.

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Woman stumbles into the Police Station. "Help, I've just been raped by two council workers!" The policemen look bemused and ask "How do you know they were with the council?" She shouts "I had to do all the fucking work!"

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I was chasing a girl through the forest with a massive hard-on. I was so horny, it never occurred to me to ask why she had one.

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2 Nuns getting raped in the park The first nun says "Forgive them father for they not know what they are doing". The Second nun replies " Jesus Christ this fucker does"

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I just read that you're 80% more likely to get attacked at night. That’s why I only rape during the day. Stay safe out there!

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I dropped the soap in the prison showers this morning. A big nigger, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What's wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

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I was on the pull last night, so I wore my T shirt that reads, 'Drink Until You Want Me'. This lass in the club read it, looked at my face and then sneered, 'No thanks, I want to wake up alive in the morning!' I leaned in close and growled, 'You'd better fucking start drinking, then, hadn't you?'

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What's the difference between watching football and being raped? Women don't like watching football.

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I raped a deaf/mute girl. Then I broke her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone.

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Find a penny, Pick it up, And all day long You'll have good luck.* *Advice not valid in prison showers

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What's blue and fucks teenage girls? Me in my lucky blue tracksuit.

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2 taxi drivers having a pint: 'I love picking up tipsy women. They always give me a big tip.' 'Well, I love picking up paralytic women. I always give them a big tip.'

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Thomas Partey is due to stand trial on charges of seven rapes and a sexual assault. What a weekend that was.

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Several Royal Protection Officers are under investigation after falling asleep on duty at Windsor Castle. That'll teach them to sneak drinks from Andrew's drinks cabinet

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Apparently " Harder" is not a good choice of safe-word

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Statistically four out of five people enjoy gang rape. 'Mr Hengist, for the last time, are you certain you wish to conduct your own defence?'

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Why do grannies keep their money stuffed in a teapot? Cos it's the last place Wayne Rooney will look

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I just passed a recruitment poster for the St John's Ambulance brigade, it was captioned; "There's a volunteer inside all of us." If you were in Leeds General Infirmary or Broadmoor Hospital or Stoke Mandeville in the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's or 90's that volunteer would have been Jimmy Savile!

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I love making them cry. Tears are free, and honestly, they make for the most convenient lube.

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Life isn't great at the moment, struggling to find employment and my love life is virtually non-existant. Can't hold down a job, can't hold down a woman...

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A woman ran into a police station shrieking "Help, help, I've been aped!" The Desk Sergeant said "Miss, do you mean raped?" She replied "No, they were niggers!" Nod to Allobosca!

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A woman phones up the police and states that she's been "graped" The police reply "don't you mean raped" "No, there was a bunch of them"

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I met an Irish woman last night, she said the English were the real terrorists. So IRAped her.

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I remember reading about Larry Nassar sexually abusing all those young gymnasts. As a young girl it must be so horrible to be raped by your doctor. Unless you're Jewish.

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Wayne Rooney admitted this week that he always loves his lamb with Rosemary Rosemary, 86, was found shivering, naked and confused beside a cliff-edge in Prestatyn earlier today

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I saw loose women today for the first time in ages. I left my dungeon door open.

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What do paedophile hunters from Yorkshire put on their Christmas tree? t'incel

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What has 8 hairy black legs, 7 eyes and makes women scream?
 Getting gang raped.

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"So, what are you looking for in a relationship?" I asked my date. "Security," she smiled. Well, she'll definitely get that locked in my cellar.

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A man walks into a pub... sees a big jar filled with money behind the bar. He asks the barman what it's there for and is told that it is a long-running competition - pay a fiver to enter and if you can complete three challenges, you get to keep all of the money. "Sounds interesting"... the man says... "ok, what are the challenges, I might have a go." "Well, says the barman, "First you have to knock back two pints of this unnamed, rancid, extremely strong spirit... "Second, the landlord's rottweiler has a bad tooth, you have to remove it"... "ok, sounds fine so far - I'll give it a go", the man thinks. "Thirdly," says the landlord, "the landlord's 85-year old grandmother is upstairs... she's not had an orgasm in 40 years - you have to give her that pleasure." "Erm... maybe I'll give it a miss", the man says and sits down to drink his pint. After a few beers, he reconsiders and decides to take up the challenge. He drinks the spirit effortlessly to cheers around the bar. Next he goes out to the yard.... the people in the pub hear barking, whining, screaming, snapping and whimpering. But the man comes back into the pub unscathed and says... ..."ok, so where's the grandmother with the bad tooth?"

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Married at First Sight UK cast member arrested on suspicion of rape. Consummated at First Sight, more like.

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Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor faces police investigation into alleged inappropriate behaviour at Royal Ascot, says report. A police spokesman said, 'We have taken a witness statement, and that's evidence straight from the horse's mouth.'

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Donald Trump says he's against socialism and communism in all their forms. Yet when it comes to human beings, he's always eager to seize the means of production.

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Statistics are so easy to misrepresent. Left wing civil servants claim that Mohammed is the most popular boys male in delivery wards. By the same logic: I'm a big celebrity at my local rape-crisis centre

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