A Miss Switzerland finalist has been killed by her husband, who then put her body parts into a blender. She's now eligible for Miss Whirled.

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'And here's a few magazines to get you started.' If you're European, something you might hear in a sperm bank. If you're American, something you might hear on your way to school.

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It is terrible how much class snobbery affects the way different people are judged for doing the same things. It's classy and impressive when the ninth viscount such-and-such shows off his collection of swords and armour to the English Heritage members touring his family's ancestral castle but when I show my social worker the large collection of machetes and Bowie knives I keep in my one bedroom council flat I get referred to the Prevent programme.

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I phoned my mate to ask if he thought it's okay to wank over my ex-wife. "Sure," he said. "It's not as if she'll ever know." "She might," I replied. "I mean, she's asleep at the moment, but...." "You mean you're actually in her room?" he said, shaken. "Christ mate, she'd better not wake up!!" Great. I was already feeling guilty about the wank, now he tells me I've got to kill her as well.

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Ann Widdecombe has been murdered. I think we can safely rule out a jealous lover.

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I must say I am a bit concerned about the rise in political violence in Britain. That's three politicians murdered since 2016. We're starting to look like some dysfunctional third world country like South Sudan or the United States.

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How would I find these death caps used by Erin Patterson? And where's the current outbreak of egg salmonella centred? The wife's just said she fancies a mushroom omelette, and it's too good a chance to miss.

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I didn't have Ann Widdecombe down as a heavy drinker. But the night she was killed, she got absolutely hammered.

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As I drove my date home, she said, "I can't believe you support grouse shooting." "I didn't say that," I replied, "I said I like to kill birds on the moors."

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Duane "Keffe D" Davis convicted for the killing of Tupac Shakur. He faces at least 40 years in jail, but he's also hot favourite at the 2027 American Music Awards for Services to Music.

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What was Jeffrey Dahmer's favourite dinner? Mr Faggot's Brains.

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Who's the best family butcher in Essex? Jeremy Bamber.

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Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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Kate McCann's looking a bit pale these days. It's been a long time since she was lying in The Sun.

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I used to post a lot of jokes about the Moors Murderer's victims but they always got buried.

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There's a new children's game about Henry Nowak’s death. Died and Sikh.

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What's the worst thing about your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday? Being tried as an adult.

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Two teenages missing in Nepal. Last seen driving up the highway against the traffic.

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I was watching a documentary today about North Korea’s nuclear capability. My Wife asked me if I was worried about Korea’s nuclear weapons. I’m not worried at all. Nothing I ever bought from Korea worked.

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This bloke who murdered Ann Widdecombe. Any chance of giving him Starmer's new address?

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So, some dude finally fucked Ann Widdecombe...

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​They say that when one door closes, another one opens; unfortunately for the person in my basement, I’ve decided to bolt both of them shut.

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A man phones into work one monday morning: man: i can't come in today, i'm sick boss: what's the matter? man: i cut up my wife with a chainsaw then raped my 6 year old son boss: will you be in tuesday?

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I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.

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My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

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Lindsay Clancy is advertising for babysitter roles: "I love kids to death!"

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There was a documentary on last night about the murder of Ann Widdecombe. Homophobe Under the Hammer.

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World Cup News: Erling Haaland hails ‘one of the sickest days in Norway’s history' after beating Brazil. 'I beg to differ,' said Anders Breivik.

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Put a Communist in a helicopter and he will fly for a couple of hours. Throw a Communist out of a helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life.

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I always liked that song OJ Simpson wrote for the Spice Girls. You know the one, Slice Up Your Wife.

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At school my nickname was Spiderman. I wasn't good at gymnastics, it was because my uncle got murdered.

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There's a lot of murders in my neighbourhood but the rent is cheap. That's why I keep murdering people in my neighbourhood.

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Me and the family are going to spend Christmas in Australia and see Bondi Beach's famous red sand.

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"If only I'd converted to Islam and stabbed somebody in the UK..."

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I was absolutely chuffed earlier when this woman told me she thought I had the arms and upper body of a twenty-one year old athlete. I was considerably less chuffed when she pulled out her badge and search warrant while her colleagues handcuffed me.

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My elderly mother needed assistance with her bath, so I asked my girlfriend if she'd mind helping me out. "Of course," she smiled. "What do you want me to do?" "You just turn the taps on," I replied. "I'll hold her under."

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The civil trial against alleged IRA grandee Gerry Adams over 3 bombings in Britain has been withdrawn at the instruction of the claimants after new information came to light. The information was that even in 2026 it's fucking difficult to walk without kneecaps!

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Do you like flowers but don't have time for gardening? Just pay someone to run over a kid right outside your house!

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Last weekend I took the family to the Lake District. We had a long walk, it rained a little but we had a nice time. We saw a field of sheep and one came right up to the fence and my kids got to pet it while it ate some grass so we took some cute selfies and my wife put them on Instagram. Then we got back to town and I bought us all wool sweaters and we had a nice lamb dinner with mint gravy.

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Post mistrial psychosis

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People bitching about the price of food are idiots, it's the quality I'm worried about. I haven't had a decent kebab since I was in Blackpool in November 2003.

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People think making someone disappear is an art, but it’s really just a test of stamina; you have to shovel fast enough to bury the screaming, because no matter how hard they fight, the weight of the earth always wins.

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My approach to relationships is simple: I treat them like a crime scene. I don’t leave prints, I don’t get attached, and I make sure I’m already in another town by the time the police start the autopsy.

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Fucked the wife off when I found out what the other kids used to call her in school. Mary Bell.

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Ted Bundy famously blamed his murderous rampages on being "deeply involved in pornography" So why didn't he just stay at home and have a wank then?

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I see one of the brave defenders of the public was carrying a bright yellow tazer when apprehending the knife man in Golders Green. What's wrong with a simple glok? I think that Ed Millipede has gone to far with his green agenda

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My parents went to New York on September the 11th and all I got back was a bloody t-shirt.

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"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - Fanny Fern "I prefer to go in through the xiphisternum!" - Jeffrey Dahmer

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I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…

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We're going for lunch at my mother in law's today, and I just know my wife will be late. Because by late I mean dead.

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They say 'til death do us part,' but I’ve always found that with the right shovel and a bit of initiative, you can actually accelerate the timeline quite a bit.

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University Medical Center of Southern Nevada, U.S. - Emergency Room - September 7, 1996 "Quick y'all, I need some blood in here now! Three packs!" "Sorry?? Two packs?" "Fuck no. That poor cunt needs about half a dozen"

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“What’s your favourite domestic cliff”? I asked her whilst we had a romantic stroll on the Yorkshire moors. “Oh, are you taking on a romantic trip to the white cliffs of Dover to propose? I do like the Seven Sisters as well”, she replied with joy in her voice. “How about you babe”? She then asked excitedly. There was a brief pause as we steadily made our way through the thick fog. “Sutcliffe”, I replied as I then ploughed the hammer full throttle in to her skull, bludgeoning her to death.

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What’s the difference between a pizza and a toddler? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

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