98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

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I got into a lift in London, only to find there were half a dozen black youths in it. When the doors closed the one nearest the panel said, 'Yo, what button you want me to push, white boy?' I replied, 'The one with the bell on it, please.'

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Why's a 16 year old like a five pound note? They're both legal and they're both tender.

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My 14-year-old daughter came out of her room in a top and shorts that left little to the imagination. I said, 'And where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?' 'I'm going down the park with my mates, and you can't stop me!' 'The hell you are! Go to your room and take those off right now!' 'Up yours, Dad! I'm not having you tell me I can only go out if I get changed into something you approve of, you old prude!' 'I don't recall saying anything about getting changed into something else.'

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Went dogging last night,never again. When I got home my car was like a painter's radio.

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Large Kebab £7.00 Your Only Fans £9.99 Why would I pay more to look at the same thing without chips and a can of coke???

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A Muslim family has moved in next door. To welcome them to the neighbourhood, I'm bacon a cake for them.

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I was with this girl who was very good at playing an eight stringed instrument. Her name is Amanda Lynne.

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Katie Price is a keen swimmer, she said she likes to get as many lengths in as possible.

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It is terrible how much class snobbery affects the way different people are judged for doing the same things. It's classy and impressive when the ninth viscount such-and-such shows off his collection of swords and armour to the English Heritage members touring his family's ancestral castle but when I show my social worker the large collection of machetes and Bowie knives I keep in my one bedroom council flat I get referred to the Prevent programme.

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I remember when my wife was having our baby shouting, PUSH PUSH PUSH! She was wank at bump starting the car when she was pregnant

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I went to my GP as I thought I was severely depressed. He referred me to a psychiatrist, and at length the two of us talked through everything that was going on in my mind. His diagnosis was that I don't have depression at all; just an uncommonly perceptive and realistic view of human nature, the world as it is today, and where we are headed. Later I phoned him up to thank him for his help, but I couldn't get hold of him. He's been signed off sick for the next few months. Severe depression, apparently.

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Why can't Gemma Collins play cricket? Cos she's allowed a maximum of 6 bowls in one go and lunch is only 40 minutes

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I went for an eye test and the optician said "can you read this?" I said "DZGY FRPU BGXT ALEQ" He said "hmm, it's a letter from my aunt I think she has dementia"

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I don't mean to brag, but I suffered from 'Black Fatigue' BEFORE it was cool 😎

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A manhunt has been launched by police after serial child-rapist Cliff Lyons Dobbie escaped from custody in Perth. Officials have said that the violent paedophile was accidently freed after a prison officer was tricked into giving him a sock.

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Katie Price is forever hungry for media attention. She likes as many column inches as she can get.

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