I've been paying the Cat's Protection League every month for over three years. I only missed two payments and they came around and broke my cat's legs.
Animals garry6291 (79) · 08-01-2026 1821Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"
Murder/Death/Killing Jimfixeditforme (25) · 08-01-2026 1222The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 06-01-2026 1212This vegan shit has now got out of hand. They're selling plant based alternatives to vapes. They are calling them cigarettes.
General Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 08-01-2026 1504I don't believe that elephants are being poached in Africa. Those niggers don't have pan big enough or any water.
Animals Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 08-01-2026 1947What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Babies supergalley 🥇 🥈 🥈 (388) · 07-01-2026 1933I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 07-01-2026 0602I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'
Dad Jokes ianwatkins 🥈 🥇 🥇 (459) · 04-01-2026 1235Had a hearing test yesterday to prove to my family I wasn't going deaf. Of course I sailed through it,but afterwards the Audiologist said something strange to me. She said I should get an earring made.
Squeaky (72) · 07-01-2026 1149Handy Tip. To avoid any confusion with the keys to your house,get a pink one for the front door and a brown one for the back door.
General Squeaky (72) · 05-01-2026 1105LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your willpower! I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it if you stop working in a fast food place." In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What's wrong?” The boy says, “My ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus, " the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No thanks, mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.” Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a breakneck shutter speed, making it possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctor's. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” That should more or less cover everyone !!
Dad Jokes supergalley 🥇 🥈 🥈 (388) · 04-01-2026 1509Dear amazon, Could you please ask your operatives to refrain from verbally abusing me and spitting at me when delivering my parcels. Yours Mr K D Fiddler Rochdale
Jellyfrost (20) · 04-01-2026 0006Funny how when it snows the 'homeless' mysteriously find a bed for the night.
Homeless / Bum ianwatkins 🥈 🥇 🥇 (459) · 08-01-2026 2158The fact that Jesus didn't have a fair trial,called everyone brother and liked gospel were strong indications that he was probably black.
Religion Squeaky (72) · 08-01-2026 1451I was driving to work when a Lollipop lady cleaned the snow off my windscreen. Although, I think the impact helped a bit.
Motoring Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 06-01-2026 1222I may not be a gynaecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.
Sex n Shit Squeaky (72) · 06-01-2026 1120Cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As first discovered by the horny farmer when his wife came home early.
Animals ianwatkins 🥈 🥇 🥇 (459) · 05-01-2026 1446When doing dry January it's important to find ways to replace alcohol in your life. For example, I've replaced drinking with severe boredom, crippling depression and existential dread.
ianwatkins 🥈 🥇 🥇 (459) · 04-01-2026 1302My sister just gave birth but sadly the baby has Down's Syndrome. I told her we should have used a condom.
Down’s Syndrome ianwatkins 🥈 🥇 🥇 (459) · 04-01-2026 1220Walking through the park yesterday I saw a boy flailing his arms around and making animal noises. I decided to join him and we both got louder and louder. A woman appeared and said, ' What do you think you are doing? ' ' Playing dinosaurs, ' I replied. ' Fuck off, ' she said, 'he's got Down's Syndrome.'
Offensive Squeaky (72) · 04-01-2026 1105I'm not saying your wife is fat and ugly, but when she stripped off at the nudest beach, the tide went out and didn't come back.
Fat / Obesity OkiPaul (25) · 04-01-2026 1010At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?
Dumb/Thick Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 09-01-2026 1759Q. What goes . . . black white red black white red black white red black white red? A. A nun rolling down a hill with a hatchet in her back. --- Q. What goes . . . black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red black red white? A. A nigger wanking.
Dark DdraigGoch (71) · 07-01-2026 2031Travelling at 80 mph in my car I hit a man and he went head first through the windscreen. A police officer witnessed it and said to me, " don't worry sir I'll arrest him for breaking and entering."
Deadbeat (5) · 06-01-2026 0204Jesy Nelson told her twin babies may 'never walk'. Little Crips?
Celebrities ianwatkins 🥈 🥇 🥇 (459) · 04-01-2026 1325I'm proud to say I've never been to bed with an ugly bird. I've woken up with a few though.
Fat / Obesity ianwatkins 🥈 🥇 🥇 (459) · 04-01-2026 0529A bloke shouted across the lake..:"how do I get to the other side"?.. I shouted back....." Your on the other side"!
General Jimfixeditforme (25) · 10-01-2026 1702I bought the wife a water bed.... We started drafting apart
Marriage / Wedding Jimfixeditforme (25) · 10-01-2026 1659Me and my old limbo dancing group decided to have a reunion. We go back a long way.
General Squeaky (72) · 10-01-2026 1638I just had a threesome. It was right down and dirty. The two girls ages added together was only 26 years. To be fair, the 20 year old only watched.
Sex n Shit Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 10-01-2026 1510Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.
Alcohol/Drugs Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 10-01-2026 1459It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. No, it would be Chrita.
Christmas garry6291 (79) · 09-01-2026 2117At my funeral everyone will be given a taser. Last one standing inherits everything.
Death Stallion 🥉 🥉 🥉 (277) · 09-01-2026 1952Just discovered that I am a victim of identity theft. Be warned,there are now two irritating cunts out there!
General Squeaky (72) · 09-01-2026 1501I am defo not going to Minnesota to do the ICE bullet challenge!
Crime NotEasilyOffended (43) · 08-01-2026 2341