A Mexican married a Nigger. They had a son who was too lazy to steal.

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I once went fifteen years without a drink. Then I turned fifteen.

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When I was a little boy, my uncle used to take me into the woods play Pooh Sticks. Didn't half make my bottom sore!

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People who use selfie sticks really need to take a good long look at themselves

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A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: "Are they twins?" Puzzled, the woman replies: "No. One is 3 years old, and the other is 10. Why do you ask?" The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"

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It's so hot, I'm sweating like a pikey doing a spelling test.

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Q. What's 12" long and snaps a cunt? A. A selfie stick

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After some comments I made at work, Human Resources sent me to a Diversity, Equality and Inclusion seminar to 'broaden my perspective'. I was sceptical at first, but to be honest the course did open my eyes about a few things and how I treat my fellow human beings. Also, they laid on a big buffet lunch which was really tasty. At the end of the course the host told me, 'I think you've made the most progress of all today. I hope this seminar was constructive for you.' I replied, 'It sure was, thank you. Where's the toilet in this place, by the way? After that big lunch, I've got to go drown a darkie.'

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I organised a night out for survivors of female genital mutilation, but none of them could come.

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Someone has stolen all the bus stop signs in my street. For fuck sake, where do these people get off?

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Old People An old lady is sitting in an old persons home looking out the window when an old man walks up to her and says "I know we can no longer take pleasure is sexual activities but could you come to the park with me and hold my penis?" Seeing no harm in this she agrees and it becomes a regular occourance. The same bench, the same day of the week. untill one day the old lady goes to their regualr spot and he isn't there. Slightly upset about this she goes looking for him. She gginds him sitting on a bench with another woman holding his penis! Distraught by this she goes up to him and shouts "What does she have that I don't?! He looks up smiling and says "Parkinsons".

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An undertaker says to a bereaved husband, "When did you realise your wife was dead?" "Well" He replies "The sex was the same, but the dishes just kept piling up."

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My mate got caught stealing stratch cards from where he worked. He got 200 hours community service. It would have been 100, but it was a rollover week.

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"My friends and family are coming over," I said, "Quick, hide all the silver." "Are they thieves,?" asked my wife. "No," I replied, "they might recognise it."

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Two blokes in a ski resort, one of them is dyslexic. dyslexic: 'excuse me mate, when I come down the mountain, do I zag zig or zig zag?' bloke: 'dunno pal, I'm a tobogganist' dyslexic: fair enough mate, I'll have 20 Marlboro light!'

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A black lad is in the kitchen with his mom making a cake, and she tells him to get the flour, he reaches up, and the flour falls on his head, he looks at his mom and says look mom I'm a ghost, look mom I'm white she chins him and tells him to go and see your dad. He goes in the front room and tells his dad he is white, and he gets chinned again from his dad, so the lad turns round and cries I hate you blacks so he gets hit again the lad shouts I fucking hate you all I've been white for ten minutes and I hate niggers

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Daughter asks father "Can you lend me 20 quid?" Father says "Only if you give me a blow job" Daughter says "Leave it out you sick bastard!" Father says "Well, the offer's there - take it or leave it." Daughter is really desperate for the money so she finally agrees, she gets on her hands and knees, pulls down his strides and gets his knob out, the cries "That's disgusting, it stinks of shit!" Father replies "Oh yeah, forgot to mention, your brother wanted to borrow the car earlier..."

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I treat my women like I treat my cars. I get drunk and drive them away.

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My dad used to be a cunt but now he's a changed man. He's changed twice a day if he shits his nappy in the evening too.

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My sister recently started working in the porn industry. I phoned her up to ask how her first day went. She said it was a lot to take in.

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Im not saying it's hot, but my spreadable butter now pours.

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Why are Paki wedding cakes made of shit? To keep the flies off the bride. (credit; the school playground, back in the day)

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What do you call a tetraplegic in a raging river? Bob

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How do you baby sit a black African child? Wet its lips and stick it to the wall!

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What do you call four gay guys having an orgy but none of them will take it up the arse? The Four Tops

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Why do grannies keep their money stuffed in a teapot? Cos it's the last place Wayne Rooney will look

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A new warder is doing the rounds, getting to know the inmates. He enters one cell with three people in it, 2 whites and a black. He says to the first white " what are you in for?" he answers " 5 years . Attempted rape, judge said if i'd raped her i would've got 10!" He turns to the next white man' "what you in for?" He replies " 10 years, attempted murder. Judge said i would've got 20 if i'd murdered him!" He looks at the black man, " what you in for son?" " 20 years sir, no lights on my bike! judge said i would've got life if it had been night time!!!!"

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What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.

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In a battalion of the foreign legion there is a new Commandant. He is greeted by the lieutenant who shows him around the fort. "This is the kitchen, grubs served 3 times a day." "This is the main barracks all the privates sleep in here" "This is the officer's mess, you'll be staying in that room" "Finally this is the stable" THe new commandant looks around the stable inspecting the horses on show. Most are fin, thoroughbreds, proper cavalry horses. Finally at the end of the row is a decrepid looking camel. He is flea bitten and scraggy and looks half dead. The commandant asks, "Why is that camel here it looks good for nothing?" The lieutenant replies "Yeh, the soldiers only use it when they need to relieve sexual tension" The commandant is shocked by this but reasons, in the deset you've gotta have something to release the tension. The commandant quickly settles into the daily life of the fort. However after a few weeks he really needs to "let off some steam". Feeling impressed with his integration into the foriegn legion he decides that he should do as the other soldiers do so goes down to the stable one night, drops his trousers and proceeds to shag the camel. He's about half way through when the lieutenant enters, "What are you doing sir!" "I'm just relieving my sexual tension using the camel like you said the other men did" "Well yes but they use it to ride into town to use the brothels there!"

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This heatwave is getting ridiculous. It's so hot, the Prime Minister has resigned.

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Daddy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". Mummy bear said "Who's been eating my porridge". And baby bear said "Fuck the porridge where's the television gone"?

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Finally received my hand transplant I asked the surgeon will I be able to play the guitar now. The surgeon said "Yes" I replied "Wow that's incredible because I couldn't play it before".

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Thomas Partey is due to stand trial on charges of seven rapes and a sexual assault. What a weekend that was.

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I got kicked out of the British Museum today for touching the Little Soldier. The little Soldier is what I call my penis.

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"Banned From Heaven is fucking ace. Free of that prick Wasp and a genuine sick bastard community. It's been so refreshing" "Sorry what? Oh yeah...... ..............And when I leave the biggest job in the country, I shall spend more time on the most important job: being the best husband I can to my fantastic wife Vic, who has been a rock by my side through good times and bad, and being the best dad I can to my beautiful children, who are my pride and my joy. Thank you very much"

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