I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"

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If Adam & Eve were American... They'd have been fine cos there's no way Adam would've been tempted to eat a piece of fresh fruit

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I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night. We were actually watching The Avengers, but the wife had her sister over, and I asked if I could have a bit of their chocolate.

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What's the the best thing about shagging a fat bird? You're guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

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It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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I came home and my wife was sat there with loads of famous rappers. Twix, Snickers, Mars, Kit Kat, Curly Wurly...

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What's the difference between Gemma Collins and a ballerina? The ballerina can only manage thirty Twirls before stopping

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I went into the bakers and said "is that a cheesecake or a meragnue?" The baker said "you're not wrong, it's a cheesecake"

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I'm not saying my niece is fat, but she's started to get a tan off the little lamp in the 'fridge!

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Just had a sage and onion enema. I got to be honest, It's knocked the stuffing out of me.

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I walked into the takeaway and said "cod and chips twice" The bloke behind the counter said "I heard you the first time"

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A very ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons. A man asks her: "Are they twins?" Puzzled, the woman replies: "No. One is 3 years old, and the other is 10. Why do you ask?" The man replies: "No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice!"

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I took this fat bird home last night but I was really struggling. Eventually I said "for fuck sake love, fart and give me a clue"

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I said to my wife "how did you get so fat?" She said "well, when we were first married, I'd look at what was in the fridge then go straight to bed. Now I look at what's in the bed and go straight to the fridge"

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I just saw a Gemma Collins lookalike contest. Turns out it was just the queue outside Weight Watchers.

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Considering myself something of a social activist, I recently began a campaign at work to encourage overweight children to start running. By closing the school bus doors and driving off just before they get there.

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Had a worrying phone call from my mate earlier. He said his missus had left the house nearly two hours ago to pick up their takeaway and he hadn't been able to contact her since. He was going frantic and had to use Just Eat just in case.

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"Gemma Collins has left the building" She's eaten everything else, but left the building.

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This child obesity crisis isn't all bad. At last, 10 year olds with decent size tits.

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My wife was waiting for the scales at Slimming world. She got to the front and stepped on the machine. She said "I've been stood in the queue for ages" The organizer said "well that's appropriate, your weight is over"

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Kirstie Allsopp has been airlifted to hospital after injuring her leg in Devon. That must have been one fucking powerful helicopter.

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Nature can be incredibly cruel, like when a baby giraffe gets eaten alive by hyenas. Or when a fat bird has small tits.

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What's fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing.

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Why can't Gemma Collins play cricket? Cos she's allowed a maximum of 6 bowls in one go and lunch is only 40 minutes

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My mate Joe lost a shit load of weight sticking to the Dolly Parton diet. He's now Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean.

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What's the difference between Gemma Collins and Dot Cotton? Dot can only manage 100 specials a day

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When I first met my wife she had a tattoo on her inner thigh that said "Heaven this way" Now it says "Heavy"

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I've taken up yoga to try and get in shape. It's not going well, apparently it not spelled "pie lates"

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My experience with women is that if you have to move stuff to get to what you want, they're too fat.

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What have the World Cup Final and Gemma Collins got in common? They both had more than a bit of afters on Sunday night

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I'm the best Elvis impersonator for miles around. I can't sing a note, but I had twelve cheeseburgers for breakfast.

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I'm not saying your wife is fat and ugly, but when she stripped off at the nudest beach, the tide went out and didn't come back.

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Influencer (whatever the fuck that means) Klaudiaglam, dies 6 days after being run over by former X Factor finalist in London nightclub rammy. I'm surprised she was so badly injured. Her humungous arse should've been able to absorb any degree of impact.

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I'm proud to say I've never been to bed with an ugly bird. I've woken up with a few though.

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What's the difference between Gemma Collins and a batsman? The batsman only has one Wagon Wheel

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If the entire word “Bootylicious” can easily be read across your arse. It’s probably not actually bootylicious.

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I've just seen Gemma Collins sing That's that then

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No no Gemma... Apollo Creed is not a pasta dish

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