I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

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The recipe said to put the food in at 180 degrees. Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven.

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I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

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At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

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I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

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A gorgeous, big-titted blonde hopped in the back of my taxi. "Where to love?" I enquired. "How about your place." she purred. "Okay," I replied, "that'll be about £45 though, it's quite far away."

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I was called a 'stupid reckless bastard' today. I replied with, "Don't keep me in suspense. Have I passed?".

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Someone has stolen all the bus stop signs in my street. For fuck sake, where do these people get off?

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Paddy: I'm going to Majorca on holiday this year. Mick: It's not Majorca it's Mayorca,because the Spanish pronounce the J as a Y. Paddy: Oh? Mick: When are you thinking of going? Paddy: Yune or Yuly.

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I bought a drum kit this week, but I was a bit worried about what the neighbours might think. But good on um! They bang along on the walls when I play and are really encouraging me

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I couldn't understand why it was taking me longer to wash my face. Then I realised I was going bald.

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The cops have just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

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Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realise that half the world is even more stupid. (George Carlin)

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Why do blondes hate stearing wheels? They limit headroom

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Had a lovely day horseback riding yesterday, but then we run out of twenty pence pieces.

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I don't want to sound big headed but I couldn't get my jumper on this morning.

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How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Heh heh heh, 'screw'.

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Couldn't believe my luck when I found a beanie hat with some money in it. Then some cunt with a guitar started shouting and chasing after me. Obviously jealous that I had found it before him.

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A woman stopped me in the street this morning. She said, "Do you know anything about cars?" I said, "I know a bit." She said, "Could you look at mine and see what you think?" I said, "Of course." After inspecting the car for about 20 minutes I said, "Yeah, it's quite nice."

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I was worried that the mechanic would take advantage of me because I'm a blonde woman. Luckily, I only needed indicator fluid.

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Tennessee State Trooper, ' Got any I.D. ? ' Redneck, ' bout what? '

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Why won't banks give you a loan for a one-way ticket to Thailand

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