I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

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I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

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At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

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I bought a drum kit this week, but I was a bit worried about what the neighbours might think. But good on um! They bang along on the walls when I play and are really encouraging me

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I couldn't understand why it was taking me longer to wash my face. Then I realised I was going bald.

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The cops have just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

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Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realise that half the world is even more stupid. (George Carlin)

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How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Heh heh heh, 'screw'.

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A woman stopped me in the street this morning. She said, "Do you know anything about cars?" I said, "I know a bit." She said, "Could you look at mine and see what you think?" I said, "Of course." After inspecting the car for about 20 minutes I said, "Yeah, it's quite nice."

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I don't want to sound big headed but I couldn't get my jumper on this morning.

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I was worried that the mechanic would take advantage of me because I'm a blonde woman. Luckily, I only needed indicator fluid.

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Why won't banks give you a loan for a one-way ticket to Thailand

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