I sat near some Chavs on the bus home today. For the whole journey it was just 'F this' and 'F that'. Guess they had to discuss their exam results sometime.

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Welcome to the Assumption Club. I think we all know why we're here.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

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Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens..... That was 8 months of training fucking wasted.

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The recipe said to put the food in at 180 degrees. Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven.

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Someone has stolen all the bus stop signs in my street. For fuck sake, where do these people get off?

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I was playing loud music on the stereo yesterday morning, my neighbours loved it! They were banging on the walls requesting "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Eminem's "Kill You". Nod to Gungho_ED.

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At her front door she kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Would you like to stay here tonight?" "No," I replied and walked away. Why would I want to stand outside her house all night?

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I was doing some home renovations and, when I knocked through my bedroom wall, I found a full furnished hidden room. Then I remembered that I live in a block of flats.

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I love the colour blue. Even more than green and yellow combined.

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Tesco superstore. Broughton Extra Dear Mr Kazanski, I am writing to you in regards of the following Over the past six months you have caused quite a commotion in our Broughton store, we cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. February 15th you took 24 boxes of tampons and randomly put them in other people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. March 2nd you set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. April 7th you made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets. 4. May 4th you went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of MandMs on tic. 5. May 14th Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 6. May 23rd When an assistant asked if they could help you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.. 7. June 4th Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose. 8. June 23rd Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 9. July 8th you hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 10. July 12th When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN' 11. July 13th you went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the assistants passed out.

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If a person is born deaf, what language do they think in?

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Irish man landed in hospital with punctures and burns. He had a ready meal that said pierce here and stand in boiling water

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A gorgeous, big-titted blonde hopped in the back of my taxi. "Where to love?" I enquired. "How about your place." she purred. "Okay," I replied, "that'll be about £45 though, it's quite far away."

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I was called a 'stupid reckless bastard' today. I replied with, "Don't keep me in suspense. Have I passed?".

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Had a lovely day horseback riding yesterday, but then we run out of twenty pence pieces.

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Paddy: I'm going to Majorca on holiday this year. Mick: It's not Majorca it's Mayorca,because the Spanish pronounce the J as a Y. Paddy: Oh? Mick: When are you thinking of going? Paddy: Yune or Yuly.

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I bought a drum kit this week, but I was a bit worried about what the neighbours might think. But good on um! They bang along on the walls when I play and are really encouraging me

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I couldn't understand why it was taking me longer to wash my face. Then I realised I was going bald.

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The cops have just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

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Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realise that half the world is even more stupid. (George Carlin)

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Why do blondes hate stearing wheels? They limit headroom

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Couldn't believe my luck when I found a beanie hat with some money in it. Then some cunt with a guitar started shouting and chasing after me. Obviously jealous that I had found it before him.

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I don't want to sound big headed but I couldn't get my jumper on this morning.

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How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Heh heh heh, 'screw'.

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A bank robber with Tourettes burst through the bank door and shouted, "Hands up this is a shit fuck bastard paedo nigger cunt!!"

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A woman stopped me in the street this morning. She said, "Do you know anything about cars?" I said, "I know a bit." She said, "Could you look at mine and see what you think?" I said, "Of course." After inspecting the car for about 20 minutes I said, "Yeah, it's quite nice."

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I was worried that the mechanic would take advantage of me because I'm a blonde woman. Luckily, I only needed indicator fluid.

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Children who join TikTok and Instagram at 11 are 'six months behind' at school by their GCSE years. What a load of shit. I started TicTok at 8 and I love Trump.

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Tennessee State Trooper, ' Got any I.D. ? ' Redneck, ' bout what? '

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Why won't banks give you a loan for a one-way ticket to Thailand

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