As we were undressing in the hotel room the prostitute said to me; 'Just so you know from the start, I don't do anal. Not for extra money, not for anything.' I replied, 'You know what? You're the worst fucking rent boy I've ever picked up.'

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Residents of a flagship housing estate in Poole, Dorset, are “appalled” after a Thai massage parlour operating from a garden cabin was granted retrospective planning permission. I like a news story that has a happy ending.

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The missus went ballistic when she found out I've been paying prostitutes for anal sex. She's now issued me with a hoes' pipe ban.

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I once hired a professional dominatrix. She wanted fifty quid for the hour, but I managed to talk her up to a hundred.

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I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.

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Roy Walker is in bed with Bonnie Blue. He says, 'It's good, but it's not tight.'

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Alice and Eddie, a middle-aged couple had been finding it increasingly difficult to pay their bills in Starmer's Britain. When a £300 electric bill arrived Eddie said "There's only one thing for it my love, you're going to have to go on the game!" So Alice got scrubbed up, put her most alluring underwear on and Eddie dropped her at the docks, "I'll pick you up at 4am, make sure that you get at least £300!" 4am arrives, Eddie pulls up next to the docks and Alice climbed into the car looking a bit disheveled, immediately she announced "I have enough to pay the bill, and a bit left over". Eddie asked "How much did you get altogether?" "Three hundred pounds and fifty pence" she replied. George, slightly surprised, said "Well done my love, but who on earth gave you fifty pence??!" Alice, looked puzzled and answered, "They all did!"

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Haven't been able to get on any porn sites for six months now . It's been half a year since I last saw my daughter.

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Say what you like about Kier Starmer but he did his bit for youth prospects For example Vladislav, 17, worked with him for 30 minutes and received £1,000. All the young man had to do was take a dump on his chest

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I treat hookers like a stolen car—you use them, abuse them, and then make sure the wreckage is hidden deep enough in the quarry that the police don't come knocking about a 'missing vehicle.

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What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker? I cry when I cut up onions.

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Man goes into a whorehouse, "But I don't have much money," he expalins to the Madame. So she sets him up with a "budget" girl. In the room, he's going down on her and feels something in his mouth. He spits it into his hand and it's a piece of corn. He just shruggs and throws it away. A minute later, he gets something else in his mouth, and it's a pea. "She must have had some food sex before me," he figures. "Anyway, I'm getting my money's worth!" and goes back to it. Next he gets a piece of green bean in his mouth. He spits it out and gets up. "My God, woman, what all you got up there? I think I'm gonna be sick!" "Well," the woman answers, "the last guy was."

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"It's my last day in May. And now I'm about to enter June!!" Wayne Rooney's diary entry... 5th February 2026

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To all the blokes that got their girlfriends or wives lingerie for Christmas... On behalf of all of her male Instagram followers, cheers, we like it!

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A man went to a local brothel to get some practice performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the 'reception' (yeah, like brothels have receptions...) gave him a key (or keys!) and told him to go to room 314. The man walked into the room and met the lady of the night. He told her why he was there, so she gave him a few tips and then told him to go for it. So, the man began to perform the oral sex and he was, by her (typical ho) reaction, pretty good at it. But something funny happened: A little while into the deed, he discovered something in his mouth. He spat it into his palm and found a chunk of carrot. "Oh god, that's horrible!" he thought, but he said nothing and continued. A few seconds after that, he came out with a pea. "Damn, I can't take much more of this. There's something wrong with this Ho." But once again, he said nothing and gave it another shot. A few moments later, he came up with a bit of chicken. He just couldn't stand it any longer. "I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!" "That's odd," remarked the hooker, "that's what the last guy did."

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How do you make a hormone? Stick a rusty chainsaw up her cunt.

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I use my compact video camera to secretly film my brothel visits. It's a GoPro.

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What's blue and fucks grannies? Wayne Rooney with frostbite

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Those Ukrainian rent boys might just finish off Keir Starmer. Again.

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What has the Herald of Free Enterprise got in common with a prostitute? They both lie on their side, flaps open, full of dead seamen.

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When Bonnie Blue was a toddler she often refused to eat. So her mum would put food on the spoon and say "Here comes the aeroplane... ...pilot's dick."

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I was in Wetherspoons last night and this 7 foot tattooed skinhead came up to me and said "'ere mate, are you looking at my girlfriends tits?" I said "Well her tits looked at me first!"

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There's this drunk bloke looking for a hooker he can get a fuck off of. He's in luck as he comes across a lady of the night who offers him a bit of business. "How much is it?" "Well if you want a rough shag its 30 quid, if you want a smooth one, its 50" the bloke looks in his wallet and goes "go on I ain't exactly flush tonite, I'll have a rough one" so he pays up they do the business he shoots his loads and starts getting ready to leave "Out of interest luv" the bloke says "If I'd wanted a smooth one, what would the difference have been?" "Well... If you wanted a smooth one, I would have picked the scabs off first!"

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2 prostitutes on a street corner 1st one "you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No but I've been swung around by the tits a couple of times"

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3 prostitutes in a bar, first one says "I've had so much sex I can stick my fist up my cunt". Second one says "that's nothing, I've had so much sex I can stick both fists up my cunt". Third one says "I beat both of you... I've had so much sex I..." and she slid 5 inches down the barstool!

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What do you say to a Serbian prostitute? Slobberdownmycockyoubitch!

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What do you call a prostitute with white eyes? Full.

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Keir Starmer flies to China for three day visit. Can't blame him, last year I spent a month in Pattaya.

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How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

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