My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink FOR EVIL 😈 🍸

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I phoned the Alcoholic Helpline. "So," I asked, "how do you make a mojito?"

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I was out on the town last night and I ended up staggering about the place, bouncing off the walls and throwing up all over myself. I reckon some fucker must've spiked my 15th pint.

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My wife and I were very upset when our son died due to his chronic heroin addiction. On a brighter note,we don't have to eat our soup with a fork anymore.

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I applied for Disability Benefit on account of my alcoholism. As I told the assessor, I can't even take twelve steps.

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Short skirt. Crutchless panties. Stockings and Suspenders. See through Bra. Carlsberg don’t do School Uniforms…..

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I once went fifteen years without a drink. Then I turned fifteen.

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I've been sober for 30 days now. Not in a row, just over the past 20 years.

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My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and they're off....

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I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

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The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

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I hate people who take drugs. Fucking custom officers.

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My wife and I fondly refer to our first meeting as "Brief Encounter". It was at Alcoholics Anonymous, and we'd both shat our pants.

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Why's everyone so excited about King Charles being on bank notes? Most of them have had charlie on them since the 1980s.

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My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

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Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

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Fucking over-zealous jobsworth Customs officers. That was my emotional support cocaine!

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Wine is just Grape Juice with a Yeast Infection.

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I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

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What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

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I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

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There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

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A girl walks into a pub and asks the barman for an innuendo. So he gave her one.

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Strong aftershock terrifies Venezuelans days after devastating twin quakes. Strange. If I'd survived an earthquake, a few Aftershocks would be just the thing to settle my nerves.

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My mates can't handle their drink. They dropped me twice on the way home from the pub.

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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? The guy who supplies the best LSD.

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I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

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Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

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I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

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I've designed a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm. Instead of just beeping it goes.... "Wooooohhhhoooooooooo, your house is on fire."

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'You can't take it with you when you go,' they say. Fucking Customs officers always spoil my holiday plans.

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Any time I have an empty box I flatten it and save it for when I move house. Of course when I do move house it's going to look like I did a ram raid at Bargain Booze but we'll cross that bridge yanno.

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A sewage worker walked into a pub and the landlord said "Not you, fuck off you're barred". The sewage worker said "Barred what for"? The landlord replied "Because you was in here the other day just talking shit".

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The doctor asked me how much I drink. "About 15," I replied. "So, you drink about 15 units a week?" he said. "No, a day." "Do you really drink 15 beers a day,?" he asked. "Oh," I said, "Are we counting beers as well?"

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I saw a pretty lass in the pub last night, so I went over to talk to her. She said, 'Get lost, loser.' I replied, 'Loser? Me? I'll have you know I'm in the Guinness Book of Records.' 'Really? What for?' 'Highest reading ever obtained on a police breathalyser.'

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The landlord in our local says he doesn't water the beer down but every time he pulls a pint a rainbow appears over the tap.

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Had a bad hangover this morning so I had a Berocca. It didn't really help but it did make the vodka taste better.

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I know a blonde girl who's not that attractive but after I get drunk she looks gorgeous. I've nicknamed her Guinness Paltrow.

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If I knew I was going to be this thirsty today, I would've drunk more last night.

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I fucking hate supermarkets. I bought a bottle of scotch yesterday and the fat cunt at the checkout scanned it twice! That's the last time I use self scan.

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My doctor said I should give drink a rest. He was absolutely right because I feel great now. Snuggled up under the duvet with a bottle of whisky relaxing on the pillow next to me.

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I woke up with a vicious hangover this morning. I can't understand it. I only had 5 pints last night. That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.

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Professor Kaltzenheimer attended our AA meeting and told us he had developed a tablet that can cure alcoholism completely. All we have to do is take one tablet and we would never drink alcohol again. When he asked if there were any questions, one of the group said, ' What happens if you take two? '

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A drunk walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I wan't to rip your shirt off and suck on your boobies". The woman points across the bar and says, "See that big, hulking guy over there, he's my boyfriend and if you don't leave be alone, I'm gonna get him to beat the crap out of you". The drunk slinks away but soon musters the courage to try again, saying to the woman, "I want to take off your pants and lick your a$$". Again, the woman says, "I'm not kidding, leave me alone or I'll get my boyfriend to kick the living snot out of you". The drunk however is not deterred and whispers to the woman, "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pu$$y full of whiskey, and drink you dry". In a rage, the woman crosses the bar to speak to her boyfriend. "See that drunk over there, he said we would rip my shirt off and suck on my boobies!". The boyfriend stands up and says, "I'll kill him". The woman goes on, "He also said he would take off my pants and lick my a$$". The boyfriend turns red with rage and starts to cross the bar, but the woman holds him back and finishes the tale, "He then said we would flip me upside down, fill my pu$$y with whiskey and drink me dry"! Suddenly the boyfriend turns pale and sits down. The girlfriend says, "What's the matter, aren't you going to kick the snot out of him?" The boyfriend replies, "Anyone who can drink that much whiskey is too tough for me!"

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After taking all their land and forcing them on to reservations, white America ensured the Native Americans would stay down, by deliberately making alcohol cheap and readily-available to them. This has led to unprecedented levels of alcoholism, domestic violence and drink-driving on the reservations. I know all this from talking to my Facebook friend, Big Chief Drinks Like a Fish.

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Stop complaining about Wetherspoons toilets being so far away, just piss in your empty glass! You could even take a shit in it if you were that desperate.

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