My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and they're off....

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I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

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The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

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Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

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What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

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I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

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There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

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My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

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I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

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I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

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Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

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I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

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I saw a pretty lass in the pub last night, so I went over to talk to her. She said, 'Get lost, loser.' I replied, 'Loser? Me? I'll have you know I'm in the Guinness Book of Records.' 'Really? What for?' 'Highest reading ever obtained on a police breathalyser.'

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The landlord in our local says he doesn't water the beer down but every time he pulls a pint a rainbow appears over the tap.

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Had a bad hangover this morning so I had a Berocca. It didn't really help but it did make the vodka taste better.

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I know a blonde girl who's not that attractive but after I get drunk she looks gorgeous. I've nicknamed her Guinness Paltrow.

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If I knew I was going to be this thirsty today, I would've drunk more last night.

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I woke up with a vicious hangover this morning. I can't understand it. I only had 5 pints last night. That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.

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Professor Kaltzenheimer attended our AA meeting and told us he had developed a tablet that can cure alcoholism completely. All we have to do is take one tablet and we would never drink alcohol again. When he asked if there were any questions, one of the group said, ' What happens if you take two? '

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After taking all their land and forcing them on to reservations, white America ensured the Native Americans would stay down, by deliberately making alcohol cheap and readily-available to them. This has led to unprecedented levels of alcoholism, domestic violence and drink-driving on the reservations. I know all this from talking to my Facebook friend, Big Chief Drinks Like a Fish.

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I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

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Stop complaining about Wetherspoons toilets being so far away, just piss in your empty glass! You could even take a shit in it if you were that desperate.

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