I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

0 comments

The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

0 comments

Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

0 comments

What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

0 comments

I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

0 comments

There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

0 comments

I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

0 comments

I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

0 comments

Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

0 comments

I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

0 comments

I know a blonde girl who's not that attractive but after I get drunk she looks gorgeous. I've nicknamed her Guinness Paltrow.

0 comments

If I knew I was going to be this thirsty today, I would've drunk more last night.

1 comment

Had a bad hangover this morning so I had a Berocca. It didn't really help but it did make the vodka taste better.

0 comments

Professor Kaltzenheimer attended our AA meeting and told us he had developed a tablet that can cure alcoholism completely. All we have to do is take one tablet and we would never drink alcohol again. When he asked if there were any questions, one of the group said, ' What happens if you take two? '

0 comments

I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

1 comment

Stop complaining about Wetherspoons toilets being so far away, just piss in your empty glass! You could even take a shit in it if you were that desperate.

0 comments