My brother and his family are moving to Glasgow. Well I'll be a junkie's uncle!

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The UK has declared its first drug consumption area where people can freely take their own illegal drugs in a ringfenced area under supervision. The area will be known as Scotland.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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I got back to my mates flat last night after a session. In his hall he had a huge gong. "what's that?" I asked He said "it's a speaking clock" "how does it work" I asked He picked up a hammer and hit it, two seconds later a voice came through the wall and shouted "for fuck sake it's half past two in the morning!"

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I finally quit drinking for good. Now, I drink FOR EVIL 😈 🍸

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I phoned the Alcoholic Helpline. "So," I asked, "how do you make a mojito?"

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I was out on the town last night and I ended up staggering about the place, bouncing off the walls and throwing up all over myself. I reckon some fucker must've spiked my 15th pint.

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I took my son for his first pint of beer but, he didn't like it, so I drank it. He then tried vodka, brandy, gin, and champagne but he didn't like any of them. I ended up drinking them all. By the time we tried whisky I could hardly push the pram.

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My wife and I were very upset when our son died due to his chronic heroin addiction. On a brighter note,we don't have to eat our soup with a fork anymore.

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I applied for Disability Benefit on account of my alcoholism. As I told the assessor, I can't even take twelve steps.

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Former MP Ann Widdecombe has been laid to rest at Buckfast Abbey. Which is kind of appropriate, seeing as how she was beaten to death in an unprovoked attack.

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Short skirt. Crutchless panties. Stockings and Suspenders. See through Bra. Carlsberg don’t do School Uniforms…..

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I once went fifteen years without a drink. Then I turned fifteen.

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I've been sober for 30 days now. Not in a row, just over the past 20 years.

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My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and they're off....

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I went to the shop on my bicycle and bought a bottle of whiskey. As I set off home I thought, "If I fall off my bike, the bottle of whisky will break. I'd better drink it now." Lucky I did, because I fell off seven times on the way home.

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The doctor told me I should take up something that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

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I hate people who take drugs. Fucking custom officers.

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I live each day like it's my last. That is to say, laying in bed doped up on drugs and occasionally shitting myself.

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Trump’s WH Press Secretary Katie Zacharia reportedly didn’t pass the bar exam. Well what about Pete Hegseth? He's got plenty of bar experience.

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Not one drop of alcohol has passed my lips this year. I've started injecting.

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Just got a letter from the Department of Education: "Your child with fetal alcohol syndrome will receive funding for specialised therapies, educational support, environmental adjustments, and targeted medications." Darling, I reckon that calls for a drink!

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My wife and I fondly refer to our first meeting as "Brief Encounter". It was at Alcoholics Anonymous, and we'd both shat our pants.

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Why's everyone so excited about King Charles being on bank notes? Most of them have had charlie on them since the 1980s.

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My doctor told me to stop drinking so I decided to make a massive change in my life. It's going to take some getting used to. I've been with that doctor for twenty years.

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Let's give this Dry January a go then.......

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I'm not saying I'm a heavy drinker, but I owned my car for seven years before realising the emergency tank was supposed to be for petrol.

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

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Fucking over-zealous jobsworth Customs officers. That was my emotional support cocaine!

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Wine is just Grape Juice with a Yeast Infection.

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I bought a alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn't happy.

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What's rude and very aggressive? Me you fat cunt

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I told myself I shouldn't drink so much. However, I'm not going to listen to a drunken cunt who talks to himself.

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There's two reasons I won't give money to beggars. 1. They'll use it to buy alcohol. 2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

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Ten years ago I swore I'd never drink at work again. Haven't touched a job since.

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I've been clean for five days now. However, I've run out drugs so I'll have to get out of the bath.

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I dropped acid last night. My shoes are fucking ruined.

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I enjoyed reading classic American literature last night, while drinking classic Mexican alcohol. Yup. Tequila Mockingbird

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A girl walks into a pub and asks the barman for an innuendo. So he gave her one.

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Strong aftershock terrifies Venezuelans days after devastating twin quakes. Strange. If I'd survived an earthquake, a few Aftershocks would be just the thing to settle my nerves.

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My mates can't handle their drink. They dropped me twice on the way home from the pub.

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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? The guy who supplies the best LSD.

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I was so hungover this morning I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I turned it on.

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I've found something that totally eliminates the urge to smoke cigarettes. Heroin.

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I didn't realize how bad the drug and obesity problem was in Scotland. I saw a sign in a Glasgow chippy offering deep fried smack.

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People ask if I’m good under high pressure. Look, I’ve used a power washer while stoned, so I think I know what I'm doing.

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So Jesus could turn water into wine. Big deal. Thanks to my allergy, I can turn wine into watery diarrhoea.

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I've designed a new Kings of Leon smoke alarm. Instead of just beeping it goes.... "Wooooohhhhoooooooooo, your house is on fire."

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'You can't take it with you when you go,' they say. Fucking Customs officers always spoil my holiday plans.

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Any time I have an empty box I flatten it and save it for when I move house. Of course when I do move house it's going to look like I did a ram raid at Bargain Booze but we'll cross that bridge yanno.

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