Minnesotta general warning..... "Watch out for Ice when driving"

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I'm not saying I'm a hard bastard... but my birth mark is shaped like a coat hanger.

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My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

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Me and the family are going to spend Christmas in Australia and see Bondi Beach's famous red sand.

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My elderly mother needed assistance with her bath, so I asked my girlfriend if she'd mind helping me out. "Of course," she smiled. "What do you want me to do?" "You just turn the taps on," I replied. "I'll hold her under."

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There's a lot of murders in my neighbourhood but the rent is cheap. That's why I keep murdering people in my neighbourhood.

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Last weekend I took the family to the Lake District. We had a long walk, it rained a little but we had a nice time. We saw a field of sheep and one came right up to the fence and my kids got to pet it while it ate some grass so we took some cute selfies and my wife put them on Instagram. Then we got back to town and I bought us all wool sweaters and we had a nice lamb dinner with mint gravy.

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My parents went to New York on September the 11th and all I got back was a bloody t-shirt.

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The civil trial against alleged IRA grandee Gerry Adams over 3 bombings in Britain has been withdrawn at the instruction of the claimants after new information came to light. The information was that even in 2026 it's fucking difficult to walk without kneecaps!

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Do you like flowers but don't have time for gardening? Just pay someone to run over a kid right outside your house!

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"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." - Fanny Fern "I prefer to go in through the xiphisternum!" - Jeffrey Dahmer

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I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins. I was about to run and tell my wife, when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden…

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