On holiday in Paris, I joined in the riots and looted myself an 85-inch telly. Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I prefer to see the bigger picture.

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The family of the man who jumped into the tiger enclosure have asked the press to leave them alone at the moment…. As it’s still a bit roar

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Officials have stated that that Siberian tiger will not be euthanized for eating that thick cunt who climbed into his cage. The decision was made on conservationist principles given that the world's population of Siberian tigers is thought to be as low as five hundred whereas the world's population of thick cunts is worryingly high.

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In the NEWS: Half of Britons unwilling to fight for UK in the event of war! The other half are not illegal migrants.

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Man dies after jumping into tiger enclosure at Yorkshire zoo in an apparent prank gone wrong. That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, you're gonna end up tiger meat...

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Helen Haines' husband, Phil, has told members of the press that his wife is currently a bit sluggish. One journalist, seeking clarification, asked "Do you mean she's slow and lethargic due to the trauma of her injuries, sundry medical procedures, double limb amputations and successive anaethesias?" "No," Phil replied, "I mean she's leaving a slimy trail across the floor wherever she goes!"

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The government are to ban porn films from showing incest from November. Half of Norfolk are expected to close their TikTok accounts.

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Fatal incident at Lidl Wolverhampton: One dead and several injured as car ploughs into shop. Lidl? Fuck me, even ram-raiders are having to tighten their belts nowadays.

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In Moscow, the Kremlin has been broken into and next year's election results have been stolen. Brazil: Hold My Beer!

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Grandparents should ask for consent to hug their grandchildren, an Irish advert says. I'd be happy if Granddad would just put his cock away.

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Macon recognises a Palestinian state. He didn't know that Paris would become its capital.

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I just read a tragic article about the recent tiger attack. It said he had severe learning disabilities... I honestly didn't even know tigers suffered from that.

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DAILY MAIL: Russell Brand is on trial for rape and sexual assault. And yet elsewhere in the same newspaper, an Imam is telling Muslim men to beat their wives if they say no to sex. Surely this is the same.

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Rogue AI was told it could harm people... and said it didn't care. I never realised I've been married to an AI for 23 years.

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Kate Golby, 44, an award-winning psychic, died after she fell down a flight of stairs. Never saw that coming.

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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists say you CAN'T remember being born. I remember being born. Caesarian, it was. And ever since, when exiting my car, I leave through the sunroof.

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There's a lot of speculation regarding the King's impending address to former Commonwealth countries. My money's on him advising them to convert to Islam.

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Lindsay Clancy is making me think Caitlyn Jenner deserved to win Woman of the Year. Hear me out. Look at how fucked up, entitled, & retarded the Kardashian kids are and Bruce still didn't strangle them.

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Personally, I think we should give everyone in the Caribbean a lifetime's supply of cotton bedsheets

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Due to a growing and ever-changing array of cyber-security threats, the government has advised that we should all begin stockpiling in case of a sudden internet blackout. So I've just purchased three hundred Hustlers.

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Paul Whitehouse has been mugged in Islington while buying his wife's medicine. ''What?'' he exclaimed ''£19 for a bottle of tablets!''

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Four people have been arrested after a gang rape behind a Swindon doctor's surgery. When asked for comment, the woman replied, "They say bad luck usually comes in threes, but this time it was four.... and all over my face."

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Stupid dago twats. The bull was on the other track

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Trumps press secretary, Katie Zacharia, wore a badge that said "press" When Trump did, she resigned.

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Man in his 30s plunges to death from hotel room in Stratford. Checked out suddenly without paying the bill.

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Headline: Russell Brand officially labeled a 'ruthless sexual predator.' Dammit, another solid Gamertag taken.

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Saudi Arabia's terrified Crown Prince MBS is moving between guarded palaces as Houthi attacks intensify. No wonder he's scared; their weapon of choice is a bone saw.

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BREAKING NEWS: Daily Mail 26/10/2026 British Islamic preacher accused of celebrating terrorists and radicalising followers sets up 'religious training camp' in Thailand saying, " His camp is for men ‘who no longer know how to be men". COMMENT: I can promise him that, Thai men are REAL MEN. And so are many of the women! https://www.dailymail.com/news/article-16229095/British-Islamic-preacher-accused-celebrating-terrorists-radicalising-followers-sets-religious-training-camp-Thailand.html

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