"What we know about the 33 British nationals missing in Nepal" They're all dead and their lungs are full of mud?

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The go fund me collection for the two policemen tragically killed in Cleveland has reached over £700,000 …..and for the pikey lookalikes…. Two washing machines and old iron gate and a rusty bike with one wheel

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First they didn't know what a woman is. Now they don't know what a murderer is.

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The Lindsay Clancy case is taking so long because 3 men are trying to explain to 9 women that hormones don't excuse child murder.

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The way Feminazis are going on about Sydney Sweeney's new ad you'd think she strangled three kids or something.

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Christian Rock Festival happy-clappies: 'Do you hear our prayers, Lord? If you do, just give us a sign, any sign!' God: 'There you go. Now shut the fuck up...'

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Buckingham Palace guards pay tribute to Dolly Parton with a rendition of 9 to 5. King Charles asks, "What is this 9 to 5 you speak of?"

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Joanna Wietrrzyk rewrites history by achieving number one and number two in the same event.

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I wouldn’t bother with that Bayeux Tapestry…He dies at the end

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Joanna Wietrzyk is the next big name in Cack and Field sports.

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Russian election results finalized tomorrow. Tonight’s exit poll has Putin’s United Russia leading with 346% of votes cast.

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Some things never change. An Amazon Prime plane has overshot the runway at Miami airport and delivered the goods to the house next door.

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News: Man fleeing police at Notting Hill Carnival dies in canal. Surely they mean 'dives'.

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The mudslide in Nepal has claimed about 1,300 lives if I was a Tibetan man I think there could be more

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I see a crocodile infested river has been approved as the venue for rowing and canoeing at the 2032 Olympic Games in Brisbane..... A spokesman has said, "Listen cobber, in the unlikely event that any participant is attacked then they will simply enter the Paralympics instead."

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"On Saturday night, under the world-famous Wembley arch, five words rang out: "Punjabi Aa Gaye Wembley Oye!" Diljit Dosanjh is the first ever Punjabi singer to headline Wembley Stadium, the music venue has said. And as Bhangra beats blared out, fans erupted with cheers while Dosanjh launched into his biggest hits, from G.O.A.T. to Lover." I offer no comment

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Manchester Utd have signed Osama Bin Laden. He's fuckin lethal in the air.

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'One dead after sign crushes Christian festival-goers' "It's a sign!" (courtesy Life of Brian) I wonder whether the insurers will see this as an act of God?

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I flashed my cock in the city of Beijing and this woman jogger proper shat herself

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Warning over Ryanair's 'steep and narrow' plane stairs after passengers involved in hundreds of falls. When questioned, Ryanair said passengers were charged by the step, and passengers should be thankful we reduced the number of stairs by 20%

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HEALTH WARNING: After months at sea, the USS Abraham Lincoln finally docks in Pattaya, Thailand, the notorious tourist sex centre. Government officials advise tourists that despite the sunny weather, maybe wear a rainproof coat, as Pattaya will be awash with Seamen and semen.

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"Taxpayers foot £420,000 bill for eco-boiler to keep sex offenders warm Biomass heating system for woodwork workshop at HMP The Verne could cost up to seven times more than traditional gas alternative" Surely keeping them at lower temperatures would reduce them likelihood of 'wood' - to be commended in their case?

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Puma have shit their pants over Joanna Wietrzyk.

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Mother bears often kill their own young when they're stressed. There's your defence, Lindsay Clancy. You didn't choose the bear. You are the fucking bear.

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Tibet Flash Floods Latest: Burnham demands more frequent updates because so far he's only receiving them on a dalai basis

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IN YOUR FACE-book!

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Dozens of Britons missing in flash floods in Nepal. I'm sure they were having a great time, but I was in Cornwall and the most dramatic thing that happened was that the ice cream man ran out of sprinkles. Meh.

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