The wife said she's had enough and wants us to try separate beds. Hers will be in Manchester and mine will be in Cardiff.

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The doctor asked, "Do you drink, take drugs or have gay sex?" "Yes," I replied. "What are you doing tonight?," he said.

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Little Johnny was curious as to the mysteries of female anatomy, so he decided one day to approach his father, who was sure to be a learned scholar on the subject. "Daddy," said Johnny, "what does a vagina look like?" Somewhat unprepared for this question, Johnny's old man took some time to gather himself, and replied with a knowledgeable smile: "Well, before a woman has sex with a man, a vagina looks like a delicate flower bud, glistening ever-so-slightly in the morning dew." "And what does it look like after she's had sex?" asked Johnny. "Like a bulldog eating mayonnaise."

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I like to fuck two women in bed. Why? Because when I'm done they have someone to talk to.

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I really know how to turn on a woman. By the time we are ready to fuck, she is wetter than Stevie Wonder's toilet floor.

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Getting molested as a youth led me as an adult to frequently dress as a clown and perform at parties. Ronald McFondled

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex. That way she deflates much quicker.

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What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Having a Miscarriage

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Got chatting to a stunning bird in the pub last night. ' Are you a lover or a fighter, ' she said. ' It all depends if I forget the safe word, ' I replied.

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Three necrophiliacs are comparing their likes. The first says "I like to fuck the body as soon as it is dead" The other two say "Yeah, but that kinda defeats the purpose - the body is still warm" The second necro says "I like to fuck the body a few hours after death - that way it is a little stiff and getting cold" The third guy says "I like to wait about 8 weeks before I fuck the body" to which the other two ask "why?" He replies "Because that way I can penetrate the body wherever I want!"

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How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? Call her and tell her.

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I met this girl once and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me, "Where the hell did you get her from, son? She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" "There's no need to whisper Dad" i said "She's deaf as well".

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Police are investigating claims Katy Perry sexually assaulted the Australian actor Ruby Rose at a Melbourne nightclub more than a decade ago, allegations the American pop star strenuously denies. Christ, some people will complain about anything...

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A man staggers into hospital, says to the doctor "Arrrgh! I've been raped by an elephant!" Doctor examines rapees bum hole and cries "You're right. But your arsehole is 10 inches wide, but an elephant's cock is only 2 inches wide. How'd it get that big?" "He fingered me first."

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When I was twenty I couldn't bend my erect penis with both hands. When I was forty I could bend it a bit with only one hand. Now I'm sixty I can bend it in half quite easily. My question is : Just how much fucking stronger do you think I'm going to get?

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You will never see a redneck girl in a reversed cowgirl position when she has sex. They never turn their back on family.

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A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the hedge, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himslef gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!!!" "No" she replies "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

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Definition of gross: Sticking 12 oysters in an old woman's fanny and sucking out 13.

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I'm not saying that I have a big cock but every time I get a hard-on my feet go numb.

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A woman gives birth to the smartest baby ever. The baby is able to talk. The next day his father visits them at the hospital. The father looks at the baby and the baby pokes the man on the head, then he says "Now you know how I felt!"

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My wife is so ugly, when I get a blow job off of her it counts as Anal.

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What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

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What kind of paving did Hitler have on his driveway? Monobollock.

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This beautiful blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle?" She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it?" The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve?" She said, "I can't, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck."

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