This year's autoerotic asphyxiation convention is in Las Vegas and I was worried I wouldn't be able to afford the trip. But I tightened my belt and came anyway

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I became sexually active at 11. It's now 11:45 and my wrist is starting to hurt.

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My wife told me I was a selfish lover I almost choked on my own cock

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I have never had much luck with sex. The nearest I got to a threesome was on the number 5 bus last week. I was masturbating next to a woman who was breastfeeding her baby.

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The closest I’ve ever come to a threesome is a three-bird roast at Christmas... and to be honest, even that was a bit dry.

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What gets bigger & bigger then explodes on Friday? Robinson Crusoe's cock

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The super injunction procured by an anonymous celebrity has been granted on the grounds that if found guilty, he'll probably commit suicide. Am I alone in seeing a problem and solution rolled into one here?

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Q. What do LotR & Brokeback have in common? A. They're both about the struggle to get up the mountain & destroy another bloke's ring

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I was sitting in my local, feeling glum because I haven't been laid for ages. The barman spotted me and said, 'Cheer up mate, it might never happen!' Cunt.

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A drunk air passenger, 30, pulled down her underwear and exposed her vagina in front of holidaymakers. Best airline ever. Dinner and a show.

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Last night she said if I turn out the light I can stick it in her bum. Guess I should have let it cool down first.

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The first time I shagged my new girlfriend I thought of my late wife. I thought this'll teach her to be late.

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In other news the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be replaced with 96. Due to the state of the economy the cost of eating out has unfortunately gone up.

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'...After 20-years of marriage, sex has got stale. We tried to liven things up yesterday by doing the plumber's position. That's where you both stay in and nobody comes.'

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​I just read about an older women's cold-water swimming group called 'The Blue Tits.' It just proves the golden rule of public nudity: the people most eager to get their tits out are always the ones you least want to see.

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Buzzballz is a woman owned company, which makes sense. We all know women love drinking the contents of balls.

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Never believe everything you read on a toilet wall. Barbara is NOT up for a good time. What an embarrassing phone call that was.

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'...My favourite sex position is 68. You go down on me... And I owe you one.'

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I've reached that age now where I see a pretty girl on the street and think, 'If only I was 20 years younger, and attractive to women.'

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An Italian chef was fired after refusing to put pineapple on pizza. Good for him! It's disgusting. Well, back to my scat porn. Mmm, sweetcorn.

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Looking forward to my three bird roast this year. If I can pursuade the wife and her two best friends.

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All this 'woke' shit nowadays is a right pain in the arse. Last night in a club I went up to this hot chick and said, 'How d'ya like your eggs in the morning?' She replied, 'I'M A VEGAN!' and slapped me.

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My gay son shouted downstairs "dad, have you seen my straighteners?" "yeah, there right here" I growled, massaging my knuckles.

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Just read the term 'eroticized trauma' for the first time. I genuinely thought that was just what us born-again virgins call not getting any.

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Two gays went on a game show. The compere said "and what do you gentlemen do for a living?" "well one of us is a teacher and the other sells meat" "I see" said the host "which one is the butcher?" One said "well as I've got the motorbike, I suppose it's me"

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The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Is just a nice way of saying every woman will pretend she takes it up the arse until you actually try and do it.

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For Sale: 1 Habitrail tube, one end slightly shitty. 1 hamster, dead. Also slightly shitty.

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I was rimming this girl once and my mouth started burning. "what the fuck" I shouted. She said "sorry, that's my peri-perineum"

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What do you call a deaf gynaecologist? Lip reader

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My immigrant neighbour has just launched his own brand of Indian street food. He had high hopes at first, but it seems not many people are keen on eating Rushdie Sharif's Bhajis.

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When it comes to lifestyle choices, celibacy doesn't even enter into it.

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'...I don't care what your sexual preference is. Unless you're into autoerotic asphyxiation. They want stringing up, don't they?'

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