I told my girlfriend that semen contains 'friendly' bacteria, like those Actimel yoghurts. I can't believe she swallowed it.

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I first met my wife at a scat fetish orgy. It was love at first shite.

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I once went out with a girl who was a coal miners daughter. She wasn't much to look at but she knew her way round a shaft.

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What's the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to take it out. (credit: some radio DJ about 40-odd years ago)

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Just taken Viagra and some sleeping pills. Off to bed now and have Forty wanks.

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Guy walks out of a public toilet in a London park as another fella is a walking in. "I'd give that 20 minutes, mate, if I were you!' "Aw, you dropped a reeker? A stinker?" "Nah. I just murdered a prostitute."

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I went to school with someone who was quite sexually precocious and who quickly built up a reputation for being a bit of a legend. They were honoured with the nickname 'Shagger Davies'. To be honest, she really hated it!

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I treat my women like I treat my cars. I get drunk and drive them away.

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I once went on a date with a fishmonger's daughter. She lay on the slab and said fillet.

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Bloke walks into a bar, and orders 12 shots of whiskey. To the bartender's surprise he downs the lot and pays up. "What's the big occasion?" asks the bartender. "I'm celebrating my first blowjob" replies the bloke. "Good on you, son. Have another whiskey on the house." "No, thanks," replies the bloke, "If 12 didn't take the taste out of my mouth, one more won't do much."

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My sister recently started working in the porn industry. I phoned her up to ask how her first day went. She said it was a lot to take in.

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If you're a sado-masochist necrophiliac with a thing for bestiality - face it, you're flogging a dead horse

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What's the difference between Prince Harry and Prince William? Prince Harry gets a decent titwank.

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My sex life is like a fatal car crash; I know I should be horrified by the wreckage, but I’m too busy taking photos of the blood to call for an ambulance.

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How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car? They both go away with the aid of a coat hanger.

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A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school... Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! She screams. Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!

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Hey Honey YES Do you know what the teat on a condoms for? Course I do its to collect the love porridge Is it fuck yer daft twat its to put yer foot on when taking it off!!

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