I was in Glasgow and walked past a building that said it was a "battered women's Centre" Fuck me, those Scots will deep fry anything.

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Had a bit of a row with my girlfriend in the pub last night and she ended up going off with 2 blokes in their van! Bloody paramedics.

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My wife bought me a mood ring. When I'm happy it turns green When I'm angry it leaves a purple mark on her face.

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What do 54,000 abused women every year have in common? They don't fucking listen

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I told my new girlfriend that I'd just got out of a toxic relationship. She immediately started being extra nice and doing anything I wanted. I just smiled and thought, "She thinks I was the victim."

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A man from Dartford has been jailed for 4 years after he beat his partner with a frying pan, leaving her in a coma. If only he'd used a Teflon pan. Then the charges wouldn't have stuck.

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I was playing Mortal Kombat earlier when my wife got home from work. She switched the Playstation off at the wall and said, 'What kind of a man are you? I've been out working all day, and all you do is sit there playing bloody videogames!' I then achieved a Flawless Victory.

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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3, one to screw it in, one to get me a beer and one to suck my cock

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My wife came into the room and asked why our 3 year old son was screaming. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He doesn't understand that it hurts," she snapped. "He fucking does now," I replied.

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I have to admit, I'm ashamed of my sister, she's not a good parent. When my niece was really young she used to batter her with a wire coat hanger. Later she changed to hitting her with a heavy leather belt . . . after she was born.

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