I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

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Plastic surgery used to be taboo. Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

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At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth. The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.

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It's a bit cloudy today. I should see a urologist.

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I saw an old mate in the pub. I said "how are things?" He said"great, my business has just floated" I said "oh, have you tried eating more fiber?"

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Its always flattering when someone says "You've got a nice bum" Except when you're having a prostate examination.

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What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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My wife got a job in a care home. She said that they give all the old men viagra every night. It's not for health reasons, it stops them rolling out of bed.

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I cracked a joke with my therapist. She sighed and wrote something in her notebook. Bitch is trying to steal my joke!

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The surgeon says to the patient, "Don't worry, this procedure is perfectly safe. We’ve done it dozens of times, and eventually, one of them has to work.

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Big-titted blonde: Doctor, doctor, I can't stop drinking men's piss! Doctor: I have a solution for you.

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I've been waiting for 5 hours in A&E after getting covered in camouflage paint and I still haven't been seen !

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Man goes to the doctors. Doctor says, "I'm afraid I have two lots of bad news for you. First, I'm afraid you have terminal cancer." The Man says, "Oh my god, that's terrible I'm going to die aren't I, what's the other bad news?" The Doctor replies, "Well you also have Alzheimer's disease." "Oh", says the man, "well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."

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A man goes to visit his dad who is in hospital dying. The old man's health is failing, death is imminent and the son doesn't know what to do. He is talking to the nurse and she says well what has he always wanted in life that he never achieved? The son thinks for a moment and says "Well to be honest he's always wanted to meet Duncan Goodhew and Telly Savalas. But I can't get Duncan Goodhew here at short notice and Telly Savalas died years ago!" The nurse says "Hmm, well to be honest he's on so many drugs and his eyesight is now so bad I think we could pretend they are here and he wouldn't realise." The son says "Well how do we do that?" and the nurse says "Well... I've got quite large breasts, if I take off my top and push them up it will look like two bald men, and then you can do the voices." The son thinks about this for a moment and decides it's worth a shot. So they go into the room. He says to his dad "Hey dad I've got a surprise for you." "What's that son?" "Well I made a few calls and Duncan Goodhew and Telly Savalas are here to visit you!" The old man perks right up and says "Really? Show them in!" and so the nurse takes off her top, pushes her tits up and walks over to the bed. Immediately the old man goes "Wow guys I've always wanted to meet you two, come closer so I can see you better!" So the nurse gets closer and the old man immediately starts fondling her breasts. He says "Telly! I always loved you as a Kojak and in The Dirty Dozen, so many great films." And he is patting her left breast like it was Savalas' head. "And Duncan! Such a great swimmer, you did us proud in the Olympics winning those medals, let me pinch your cheek" and he gently pinches the nurse's right breast. At this point the nurse gets a bit flustered, turns to the son and says "Ooh, oh my, could you tell him Rolf Harris is here as well?"

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My dad used to be a cunt but now he's a changed man. He's changed twice a day if he shits his nappy in the evening too.

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Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he’s found the cause of his problem. ‘Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine,’ says the medic. ‘The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache.’ Joe is appalled. ‘Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?’ he asks. ‘I’m afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles,’ says the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex – but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor’s, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, ‘You’ll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg.’ Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor’s eye, and asks for a shirt. ‘That’ll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck,’ the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. ‘36?’ guesses the tailor incorrectly. ‘No, sorry, I’m a 34,’ Joe says. ‘I’ve worn a 34 since I was 18.’ ‘This is not possible,’ frowns the tailor. ‘If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches.’

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Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police???

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A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a pain in my rectum" So the doctor gets him to drop his trousers and has a look up his arsehole - he sees a £20 note, so he pulls it out, then he sees another, and another and another and so on until finally he puts down £1995 quid on his desk. He says to the man, "did you know you had £1995 up your arse?", "Ah, says the man, I knew I wasn't feelling too grand."

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So this middle aged woman goes into hospital to have her vagina tightened. The years have been hard on her body, and it's all looking a bit messy down there. Anyway, she wakes up after the op, to see three bunches of beautiful flowers by her bed. At that moment the nurse comes into the room, so she takes that opportunity to ask who the flowers are from. "Well, the first bunch is from the team who operated on you. The procedure went very well, and they wish you the best of health. "The second bunch is from your husband. He says he can't wait for everything to heal before he can enjoy conjugal relations once more." "That's wonderful! And the third bunch?" "Those are from Harry in the burns unit. He says thanks for the new ears."

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The doctor told me I had 3 months to live, I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright you've got 8 million seconds to live." Nod to DdraigGoch

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The NHS turns 78 today so I'd like to wish them a Happy Birthday! Sadly I can't do the same for all the babies that died in their numerous maternity scandals.

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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

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Doctor rushes up to nervous young father-to-be. Doc: 'Mr Smith, I'm afraid we have good news, and bad news.' Mr Smith: 'Crikey, better give me the bad news first.' Doc: 'I'm afraid your baby son is ginger.' Mr Smith: 'So what's the good news?' Doc: 'He's dead.'

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