I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately. You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

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You can always tell a guy masturbates a lot, by his hands If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring

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I gave my daughter away at her wedding yesterday. Got a bit plastered before the speeches, and ended up announcing that she's been shagging the best man.

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Last night the wife said, 'Right, you, out. My favourite film, Dirty Dancing, is on tonight and I want to watch it in peace. I'm not having you sitting there making snide remarks all the way through it, so you can just go on down the pub with your mates!' I staggered home after closing time, and she was still up. She said, 'How was the pub, then?' I replied, 'Well, I've had the time of my life...'

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8 things you should never say to a woman if you want a stress-free life: #1: 'Hello.'

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After cutting my female neighbours grass she knocked on my door and said "Thank you, I could marry you!" What's the world coming to, you do something nice for someone and they threaten to fuck your life up beyond belief?

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My wife and I share a toothbrush. She uses it to brush her teeth, and I use it to brush my arse after we've had an argument.

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A newlywed calls her mother and says, 'On my wedding night, I discovered that John only has one foot.' Her mother replies, "Count yourself lucky! Your father only has four inches."

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A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly: him in the upper bunk and her in the lower. At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket.

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Former SNP treasurer Peter Murrell, the estranged husband of Nicola Sturgeon, faces jail for embezzling £400,000 of party funds. Should've told the judge he spent it all on beer to make the missus look better, he'd've walked.

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I bought the wife a water bed.... We started drafting apart

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Why do brides wear white?
 So the dishwasher matches the fridge and the oven

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Mr Mrs dragged me out shoe shopping last week . But I got my own back the week after by visiting 10 different pubs and finally going back to the first one to buy a pint.

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A man and his wife are on their honeymoon. On the first night the man comes downstairs and says. I love to fish. Who will come fishing with me. I will pay them £50. Well, the night porter agrees, but on the boat asks. 'You are on your honeymoon. Why are you not fucking your good lady wife in the cunt?' Man replies. 'Well, the lady, she has gonorrhoea, and you know I love to fish.' Next night same things happen. The night porter has been thinking about the man's situation and this time asks. 'You are on your honeymoon. I understand your wife has a disease of the cunt, but can't you fuck her in the arse?' Man replies. 'Well, the lady, she has Diarrhoea, and you know I love to fish.' The next night same things. 'You are on your honeymoon. I understand your wife has a disease of the cunt and the arse, but can't you fuck her in the mouth?' The Man replies. 'Well, the lady, she has foot and mouth, and you know I love to fish.' The next night the same thing. 'You are on your honeymoon. I understand your wife has a disease of the cunt and the arse and the mouth, why did you marry this diseased bitch?' Man replies. 'Well, the lady, she has worms, and you know I love to fish.'

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I feel for Broklyn Beecham or whatever he's called, my mother-in law ruined our first dance at our wedding back in 1977 by not being dead.

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