The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

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I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

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At breakfast this morning, out of the blue my wife started having a go at me, saying I was a total failure as a husband. I replied, 'Well, looks like someone got out the wrong side of the cardboard box this morning!'

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What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.

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I've been dating a homeless girl for a while now, it's going really well. I'm thinking about moving out with her.

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I saw a homeless couple making out I shouted out "For fucks sake get a box".

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What's Zack Polanski's vision for Britain? A big cock up his arse

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I was walking home from the pub last night when I found a homeless woman in an alley..... Slim, pretty, brunette. I couldn't believe I was able pick her up! I took her back to my flat gave her a shower and some of my out of town girlfriend's make up! Then, when I sat her on the kitchen table and we having sex she started making these little noises..... Honest to God, you'd have sworn she was still alive!

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"give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Beat him to death with his own shoe and he won't be hungry anymore"

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I hate it when a beggar shakes his coin cup at me. There's no need to rub it in, I know you've got more money than me.

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'Find something you love doing, and you'll never work a day in your life!' Especially if you love lying on the couch watching daytime telly.

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This blokes walking back from the pub. On his way home he goes through a park and finds a tramp passed out on a bench. He looks round, sees there's no one about, whips down his trousers and shags the vagrant right up the shitter. He feels really guilty, so leaves a fiver in the tramps pocket. Next morning the tramp wakes up, anaware of the previous night's uninvited sodomising, and finds a fiver in his pocket. Great, he thinks and goes to the offie. "A bottle of your cheapest whisky please." and he's all set. The next night the same phantom sodomist is walking back through the same park, and finds the same tramp. "I can't," he thinks, butthen does. This time he feels even more guilty and leaves a tenner inthe tramp's pocket. Next morning same thing happens, tramp wakes up, puts his hand in his pocket and finds a tenner and heads straight off to the offie. "2 bottles of your cheapest whisky please" and he's happy. Next night same bloke's walking back through the same park and finds the same tramp. "Fuck it, last time" he thinks, does the deed and leaves 100 pounds through guilt. Tramp wakes up the next day, finds 100 quid in his pocket and is straight down to the offie. "A bottle of your finest whisky." "Eh, finest" Says the attendant "don't you mean cheapest" "Nah," replies the tramp "That stuff makes my arse bleed."

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Funny how when it snows the 'homeless' mysteriously find a bed for the night.

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These two bums are sitting in an alley eating used tampons. One bum looks at the other and says "Oh my GOD!!! You eat the strings too? You're fucking gross!!!"

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