A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.

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Paddy goes into a Dublin jewellers and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?" The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you mad ?, We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?" And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'...!!!

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Teacher says to little Jonny, "There are twenty birds on a wall. The farmer shoots six of them. How many are left?" "None miss", he says "Explain?", replies the teacher "Well, he fires the gun. The noise scares them so they all fly away" The teacher is impressed and says, "That's not the right answer but I like the way you think" After the lesson, little Jonny approaches the teacher and asks her a question: "Miss, there are three women each eating an ice-lolly. One is sucking theirs, one is biting and the other one is licking - which one is married?" "Ermmm, I suppose the one who is, errr, sucking?" "No it's the one with the ring on her finger - but I like the way you think"

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How does Moses make a cup of tea? Hebrews it.

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My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

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Two candles were talking, one said "what are you doing tonight?" The other said, "dunno, might go out"

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Q. What do you give the man who has everything? A. Penecillin

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Why do black women wear high heels? To keep their knuckles from dragging.

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I was going to make a lasagne from scratch but I ran out of scratch!

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I've just bought a polo shirt and it's got a massive hole in it.

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Spoiler alert! The wing on the back of my car has fallen off.

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My wife came running in from the garden screaming, "A SNAKE, A SNAKE. " So I quickly went out to have a look, "Whats seventeen plus thirty two? " I shouted at it. "Forty nine, " the snake hissed back. "It's ok, " I shouted to my wife, it's not poisonous, it's only an adder. "

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What do they do when we send our deceased parents to the crematorium Andy..? Burnham...!

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Why is it bad to go from A to B ? Cos worse things happen at C Nope, U, F, O

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A penguin walks into a bar and says "has my brother been in?" The barman says "dunno, what does he look like?"

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A bloke went into the butchers and said "two pounds of steak and kiddley please" The butcher said "don't you mean kidney? He said" that's what I said, diddle I "

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Did you hear the one about the contortionist on the run? The police have asked that he turns himself in

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How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner? Why the fuck should we fix it? We never use it!

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My Grandad always used to say, 'Any day above ground is a good day!' He wasn't an optimist, he was a very depressed coal miner.

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I like my women how I like my cars. Waxed.

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I went to an underwater disco night last night. I pulled a muscle Yep, it's shit but still better than wasp

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The Hulk never loses his pants during transformation because the experiment altered his jeans.

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Was at the dentist today and it took almost an hour for me to be seen. Why is the reception desk so high?

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My dad always used to say, when one door closes, another one will always open. Lovely fellow, terrible submarine captain.

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A bloke knocked my front door last night, "You've left your lights on mate" he said "I know, I can't find my way around the house without them" I replied.

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I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

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Teacher asks her class, "If I said, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" One kid replies, "It is obviously past."

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I saw my son messing around with a Sega Mega Drive, Blackberry and an iPod I thought here we go, he's up to his old devices again

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When I walked out I made sure that my kids would be alright. I left them a bag of self raising flour.

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Had a prawn vindaloo and twelve pints of Guinness last night. Happy Farter's Day!

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I said to my wife, "Sometimes I feel really high and then I feel really low." "Get off the fucking swing, Dave," she replied.

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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your willpower! I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it if you stop working in a fast food place." In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What's wrong?” The boy says, “My ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus, " the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No thanks, mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.” Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a breakneck shutter speed, making it possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctor's. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” That should more or less cover everyone !!

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ITEMS FOR SALE: Garden Gate. No catch. Homeless Man. Still in box. Cheetah. Good runner. Rottweiler. Reluctant to let go. Geese. Pop round for a gander. etc...

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I was in a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some mineral water. He said "still?" I said 'yes, I haven't changed my mind"

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Went to a Chinese dumpling restaurant. "We have a diet menu." "Really?" "Yes. You dim sum, you lose sum."

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Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom

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I was just in the queue at the supermarket when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

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A young mother is pregnant with triplets when she is shot by a gunman. A few years down the road, her firstborn, a girl, comes in and says "Mum I just had a wee and a bullet came out". The mother is shocked, and it is increased when her other daughter comes in and says "mum I was having a wee and a bullet came out". Then, the boy comes in looking pleased with himself. "Don't tell me" the mother says, "you had a wee and a bullet came out" "No", the boy says. "I was having a wank and I shot the dog"

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I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless, and now I’ve got over 100 squatters.

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What do you call a woman who shits herself wearing a thong? A log splitter.

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Pennywise The Clown has just gone for a shit I'd give IT ten minutes if I were you

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Satellite photos are the Earth's selfies.

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Ralph turns over to Mable and says "If I'd known it was your first time I would have waited" Mable turns back and retorts "If you'd waited I would have had time to take my tights off!!!"

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I have a severe nail-biting habit. But that's neither here gnaw there.

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Is it just me or are all women's chat-up lines getting really lame? If I'm in the pub I'm fed up of hearing "Who's your handsome friend?" or "What's your friend's name?"

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Bit green, bit red tar sat at a bar. Green say an I have two pints, as barman says nah dont like yer red mate! You better watch out he's a cyclepath

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Three Chinamen walk into a bar The barman says, "Wai, Zhi, Dong. Ace!" No you fuck off

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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinaman, and it's the morning of their first day working on this building site. The gaffer is trying to decide where to put each of them, so he says, "Do any of you have any experience operating a crane?". The Englishman raises his hand, so the foreman says, "Right, I think we'll start you off on the crane, then". He turns to the Irishman and the Chinaman, "Either of you any good at building walls?". "Why, I'm a dab hand at brick-layin', so I am", says the Irishman, and off he goes. Now he has to decide where to put the Chinaman. "You look like a pretty smart fella actually, so I think I'll put you in charge of supplies". Later in the day, the gaffer spots the Englishman and the Irishman taking their tea-break, and he goes over to speak to them. "You're doing a grand job so far lads - listen, have either of you seen the Chinaman? I've been looking for him all day". They both shake their heads, so he heads off back to his office. Just as he's getting there, the Chinaman leaps out from behind a big pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"

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