My 4 year old daughter came into my bedroom and said, "Daddy, I'm scared. Can I sleep in your bed?" "No," I replied, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

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My dad always used to say, when one door closes, another one will always open. Lovely fellow, terrible submarine captain.

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I got a job as a bellhop in a swanky hotel. On my first day the manager said 'Please show this couple up.' I said 'Well his tailor is awful, and judging by the age difference she's only with him for his money.'

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Teacher asks her class, "If I said, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" One kid replies, "It is obviously past."

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My wife came running in from the garden screaming, "A SNAKE, A SNAKE. " So I quickly went out to have a look, "Whats seventeen plus thirty two? " I shouted at it. "Forty nine, " the snake hissed back. "It's ok, " I shouted to my wife, it's not poisonous, it's only an adder. "

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Was at the dentist today and it took almost an hour for me to be seen. Why is the reception desk so high?

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A bloke knocked my front door last night, "You've left your lights on mate" he said "I know, I can't find my way around the house without them" I replied.

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I said to my wife, "Sometimes I feel really high and then I feel really low." "Get off the fucking swing, Dave," she replied.

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LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE! I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your willpower! I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it if you stop working in a fast food place." In the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!" An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What's wrong?” The boy says, “My ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus, " the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies, “No thanks, mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.” Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better! Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a breakneck shutter speed, making it possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji. A woman has a medical at the doctor's. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. “I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” That should more or less cover everyone !!

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ITEMS FOR SALE: Garden Gate. No catch. Homeless Man. Still in box. Cheetah. Good runner. Rottweiler. Reluctant to let go. Geese. Pop round for a gander. etc...

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I was just in the queue at the supermarket when Diana Ross tried to push in. I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

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A young mother is pregnant with triplets when she is shot by a gunman. A few years down the road, her firstborn, a girl, comes in and says "Mum I just had a wee and a bullet came out". The mother is shocked, and it is increased when her other daughter comes in and says "mum I was having a wee and a bullet came out". Then, the boy comes in looking pleased with himself. "Don't tell me" the mother says, "you had a wee and a bullet came out" "No", the boy says. "I was having a wank and I shot the dog"

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I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless, and now I’ve got over 100 squatters.

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What do you call a woman who shits herself wearing a thong? A log splitter.

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Is it just me or are all women's chat-up lines getting really lame? If I'm in the pub I'm fed up of hearing "Who's your handsome friend?" or "What's your friend's name?"

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I have a severe nail-biting habit. But that's neither here gnaw there.

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I came home from work to find my daughter crying her eyes out. That bastard of a boyfriend had finished with her again. I totally lost it and went looking for him, the twat ran like hell when he saw me. It took three teachers and two dinner ladies to get me off him.

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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinaman, and it's the morning of their first day working on this building site. The gaffer is trying to decide where to put each of them, so he says, "Do any of you have any experience operating a crane?". The Englishman raises his hand, so the foreman says, "Right, I think we'll start you off on the crane, then". He turns to the Irishman and the Chinaman, "Either of you any good at building walls?". "Why, I'm a dab hand at brick-layin', so I am", says the Irishman, and off he goes. Now he has to decide where to put the Chinaman. "You look like a pretty smart fella actually, so I think I'll put you in charge of supplies". Later in the day, the gaffer spots the Englishman and the Irishman taking their tea-break, and he goes over to speak to them. "You're doing a grand job so far lads - listen, have either of you seen the Chinaman? I've been looking for him all day". They both shake their heads, so he heads off back to his office. Just as he's getting there, the Chinaman leaps out from behind a big pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!"

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