My blood pressure is quite high so my doctor told me to eat more vegetables, leafy greens, kale, spinach etc. It tastes like shit but I just put loads of salt on it.

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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. ....so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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I saw my mate who has no legs yesterday waiting at the bus stop. I said "alright Dave , how are you getting on?"

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I went on a date with a girl whose Tinder profile said she had an 'infectious smile'. She had cold sores.

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My friend from America is visiting me and he told me that he done a good deed today by holding an elevator door open for a spastic. I told him that kind of talk is not welcome in this country. In England we call them lifts.

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I was walking back to my place with this fat bird I'd pulled. I said "have you got any lube with you?" She said "oooh, have you got a big cock" I said "no, a narrow front door"

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I can always tell if a woman has a good sense of humour. Just by feeling her breasts.

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Common English mistakes: Using they're instead of their. Using an apostrophe to indicate a plural. Letting Pakis into the country.

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I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic. I was in Daniel.

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A vehicle has ploughed into crowds at Berlin Pride. The suspect reportedly had a beard, was shouting “Allahu Akbar”, wearing a suicide vest and fled the scene on a goat. Police are urging people not to speculate about the motive.

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I bought an R Kelly album once. There was a warning sticker on the cellophane. It said, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and young children.'

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I saw a post on my local community group on Facebook: 'MISSING: Our 3-year-old tabby cat, Oscar. He is recently neutered, wears a collar bell to alert birds, and we feed him a vegan diet.' I replied, 'And you're surprised he fucked off?'

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What's the worst thing that can happen when you are fucking your sister? The cot breaks.

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A ticket inspector banged on the door of the train toilet and said "where's your ticket?" I shouted FFS I'm having a shit! " He said" I don't believe you, pass it under the door" I said "there you go, the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

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The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it

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I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

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My dog bit a black guy the other day so the police told me to have him chipped. You should see the difference, he now operates at 16 Nigger bytes a second.

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Gambling brought my family closer together. We had to buy a smaller house

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An Imam told me that throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them. Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.

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I like my coffee how I like my women No pubes

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98 days ago I found a centipede in my garden, and I've been slowly torturing it ever since. It's on its last legs now.

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The BBC are to screen a new documentary about life in an average household in Bradford. 101 Damn Asians starts on Monday at 9pm.

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Princess Eugenie has given birth to a baby girl in Lisbon. Sarah Ferguson spoke to her daughter on a Facetime call shortly afterwards saying "Ooh, she's so pretty Eugenie, I can see your father in her!" Eugenie replied "Can you really?" "Yes," replied Sarah, "Probably the first time he gets to babysit!"

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What does paying for a sandwich and paying for a hooker have in common? Both could have been prevented if your wife was doing her job

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My doctor told me that I have xenophobia. I'll bet I caught it off some Paki cunt.

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I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and my left arm went completely numb, of course I knew what to do straight away. I had a wank so it felt like someone else was doing it.

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Just wondering Was Bill Oddie taken away in a body bag or a Goodie bag.

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My date said she liked men who make an effort. She should see the well I dug in the cellar.

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"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple of minutes and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

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My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work. She's expecting a baby in the spring.

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How many policemen does it take to push a nigger down the stairs? None he fell.

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A black man was given a twenty five year jail sentence at Crown Court today for something he didn't do. Wipe his fingerprints off the gun.

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My wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober. Fucking hell, I got married?

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People used to say that I was like Bill Oddie. I would often hide in bushes to spy on birds.

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Why is vodka clear? So the Russians can tell it isn't their tap water.

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Two books on a library shelf. ' You look thinner, ' said the first book. ' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.

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I’ve decided to liven up my sex life… The mortuary doesn’t do it for me anymore.

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A huge article just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror, or The Sun.

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HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues. I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

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What would happen if you drop the bomb on Africa? Fuck all they're all over here.

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I don't know what's worse, me getting caught fucking my daughter, or the abortion clinic letting me bring her home in the first place.

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People who post comments entirely in upper case want executing. Bring back capital punishment.

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I walked past a homeless guy in a doorway and dropped a few quid in his cup. A passerby said "you shouldn't give them money, some of them have their own homes" I said "not this one, I evicted him last week"

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My wife has learning difficulties. She's a woman.

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A woman who stabbed 4 men in Covent Garden has been arrested, with Police saying she was mentally ill. So she was a Muslim?

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What's blue and orange, and at the bottom of a swimming pool? A kid with flat arm bands

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A customer just asked me if we sold condoms. I said we don't, but have you tried Boots? He said yes, but it dribbles out of the lace holes.

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After a prostate exam, the doctor quickly leaves and a nurse enters with a worried look. She whispers the words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that guy?".

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An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot”? He replied: Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said: I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. ‘It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: “Are you a real pilot?” He replied: ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a Lesbian.’

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A British army sniper was asked how many people he had killed. "None," he replied, "only Muslims."

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