My wife is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing. They are at the gate now, and their off....

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My wife just screamed at me "i hope you are fucking happy now?" I don't think she means it though.

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My grandad died when I was quite young.I'll never forget his last words. ' Will you stop fucking about with that ladder. '

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I hate it when a beggar shakes his coin cup at me. There's no need to rub it in, I know you've got more money than me.

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Modern looters are soft! Back in the 70's you had to be fucking hard to run with a colour TV.

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Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the counter, and says "Put me up for the night."

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I really know how to turn on a woman. By the time we are ready to fuck, she is wetter than Stevie Wonder's toilet floor.

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Getting molested as a youth led me as an adult to frequently dress as a clown and perform at parties. Ronald McFondled

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I saw a pretty lass in the pub last night, so I went over to talk to her. She said, 'Get lost, loser.' I replied, 'Loser? Me? I'll have you know I'm in the Guinness Book of Records.' 'Really? What for?' 'Highest reading ever obtained on a police breathalyser.'

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I attended my first Liars Anonymous meeting last night. They asked me to talk for a few minutes about myself.However,the other members found me so interesting I talked for over an hour. I've just received a phone call this morning,they want me to be their President.

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I much prefer it when women make eye contact during sex. Which can be quite frustrating, having to unpick all those stitches the undertaker made.

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So this middle aged woman goes into hospital to have her vagina tightened. The years have been hard on her body, and it's all looking a bit messy down there. Anyway, she wakes up after the op, to see three bunches of beautiful flowers by her bed. At that moment the nurse comes into the room, so she takes that opportunity to ask who the flowers are from. "Well, the first bunch is from the team who operated on you. The procedure went very well, and they wish you the best of health. "The second bunch is from your husband. He says he can't wait for everything to heal before he can enjoy conjugal relations once more." "That's wonderful! And the third bunch?" "Those are from Harry in the burns unit. He says thanks for the new ears."

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Starmer says it is ‘staggering’ and ‘unforgivable’ he was not told Mandelson failed vetting. Yup. It's also untrue.

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"Come in number 9 your time is up" "Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats." "No 6 are you in trouble?"

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Chuck Norris liked his meat so rare he only ate unicorns.

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Since Grenfell Towers all the buildings have had to come with chutes for the wog women to slide out of easily The Negress egress

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"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet." Abraham Lincoln 1862

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Princess Diana melted in my arms as I sucked her tits and fingered her. Anyway, I'm now banned from Madame Toussauds.

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A woman ran into a police station shrieking "Help, help, I've been aped!" The Desk Sergeant said "Miss, do you mean raped?" She replied "No, they were niggers!" Nod to Allobosca!

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Police are investigating claims Katy Perry sexually assaulted the Australian actor Ruby Rose at a Melbourne nightclub more than a decade ago, allegations the American pop star strenuously denies. Christ, some people will complain about anything...

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A father is waiting outside the maternity ward when the nurse comes out and ushers him to follow her. She stops just outside the room and says: "Before we go in, I should warn you - your baby wasn't born normal, he has some serious abnormalities" "It doesn't matter" he says, "So he's missing a few toes or an arm, he's still my child and I'll love him" "I'm afraid it's worse than that" "Okay, so he lives his life in a wheelchair, I'll still love him" "I'm afraid it's worse than that, perhaps you had better see for yourself" The two enter the room and on the table is a pair of eyes. The father leans over the table and starts a little wave and smiles at his baby. "Sir, I'm afraid he's also blind"

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A woman phones up the police and states that she's been "graped" The police reply "don't you mean raped" "No, there was a bunch of them"

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A young mother is pregnant with triplets when she is shot by a gunman. A few years down the road, her firstborn, a girl, comes in and says "Mum I just had a wee and a bullet came out". The mother is shocked, and it is increased when her other daughter comes in and says "mum I was having a wee and a bullet came out". Then, the boy comes in looking pleased with himself. "Don't tell me" the mother says, "you had a wee and a bullet came out" "No", the boy says. "I was having a wank and I shot the dog"

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At a four-year-old’s birthday party, the grown-ups were in the kitchen drinking wine when the little boy ran through and said “Mummy! Why is Grandma playing with a shrimp?” The mother poked her head around the door only to see that senility had, once again, forced Grandma to take all of her clothes off. She was lying on the sofa, legs apart, playing with herself. “Erm, darling, that’s not a shrimp that she’s playing with,” the mother replied. “That’s her clitoris”. With a puzzled expression, the boy said, “But mummy - it tastes like shrimp”.

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Definition of gross: Sticking 12 oysters in an old woman's fanny and sucking out 13.

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A man walks into a pub... sees a big jar filled with money behind the bar. He asks the barman what it's there for and is told that it is a long-running competition - pay a fiver to enter and if you can complete three challenges, you get to keep all of the money. "Sounds interesting"... the man says... "ok, what are the challenges, I might have a go." "Well, says the barman, "First you have to knock back two pints of this unnamed, rancid, extremely strong spirit... "Second, the landlord's rottweiler has a bad tooth, you have to remove it"... "ok, sounds fine so far - I'll give it a go", the man thinks. "Thirdly," says the landlord, "the landlord's 85-year old grandmother is upstairs... she's not had an orgasm in 40 years - you have to give her that pleasure." "Erm... maybe I'll give it a miss", the man says and sits down to drink his pint. After a few beers, he reconsiders and decides to take up the challenge. He drinks the spirit effortlessly to cheers around the bar. Next he goes out to the yard.... the people in the pub hear barking, whining, screaming, snapping and whimpering. But the man comes back into the pub unscathed and says... ..."ok, so where's the grandmother with the bad tooth?"

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"Uh, I never use the N-word," I said to this black guy "You live alone and your parrot only says the word Nigger non-stop," said this nig-nog who was over doing my plumbing.

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This Asian whore kept going, "Me so Horny, me so Horny !" I replied, "I can see that, with your raging erection."

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Once on holiday we came across this enormous cave with a double entrance that the locals never named. People were not happy when I christened it the Black Man's Nostrils.

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Meta is working on an AI clone of Mark Zuckerberg, so people can chat online with 'him'. That's no use to me now. I've been permanently banned from Facebook for antisemitism.

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What do you do if you go downstairs at night and see your TV floating in midair? Shoot the black man.

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A guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend in a fit of rage trashing all of his belongings, so he asks her what's wrong, she says "someone told me that you're a paedophile" the guy smiles and says, "my my, that's a big word for a twelve-year-old!"

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I love watching snooker on the telly. My highest break is 131. Red-Green-Red.

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What do vegetarian worms eat? Linda McCartney.

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What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked the shit out of him.

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I was going to post a gag about flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality, but it's just flogging a dead horse.

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"How long do cats usually sleep for?" I asked the vet over the phone. "On average about fifteen hours a day." he told me. "So eight months is excessive then."? I asked.

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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said, 'No.'

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Meghan Markle is flogging £1,700 tickets to a wellness retreat in Sydney, described as 'a girls' weekend like no other'. If that's outside your budget range, ladies, try the Princess Diana Weekend Experience instead. You go to Paris and get completely smashed.

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My interview was going well. The manager said, ' We've spoken about your strong points,do you have any weaknesses? ' ' Yes. I am very honest, ' I replied. ' I don't think honesty is a weakness, ' said the manager. ' I don't give a fuck what you think, ' I shouted.

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Flew to one of the world's biggest travel destinations and was furious with the extremely hostile reception we got from the hotel staff and such; glares of death, "you don't belong here," etc. That's the last fucking time the Wilson family goes to Mecca

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The amateur-inventor neighbour who looks like Rick Moranis lost control of his paedophilia. Heard him shouting "Honey I Fucked the Kids !"

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How do you tell if a black man has a job? By the whip scars on his back

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This lady was holding a cucumber in the vegetables; I leaned over and winked "That's what mine's like" Two hours later she ran out of the bedroom shouting that she wouldn't fuck a man with a little green dick

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People hated that I was making sure to spell all my words with the U. Liquour, Colour, Niggeur....

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A blind man goes into a forest... as he goes on he stumbles into a stream and then decides he should feel his way around for a bridge just as he arrives at the bridge, a bunny rabbit and a skunk dive at him and say "you can only cross this bridge if you can guess what we are" he feels the bunny first "well... you have long ears, long front teeth and a fluffy tail, you must be a rabbit" Then he feels the skunk... "You've got long greasy hair, and you smell... you must be a paki"

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A woman passes out after giving birth... She eventually comes around, and a doctor is standing over her... He says "I have some good news and some bad news" The woman replies, "Oh no, what's the bad news" Dr: "Your son is ginger" Woman:"What's the good news" Dr: "He's dead anyway"

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What kind of paving did Hitler have on his driveway? Monobollock.

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Went to Spain on holiday and decided to go for a drink. I got really annoyed with people touching my buttocks. Apparently it was a tapas bar.

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I was browsing OnlyFans when a new woman's profile was recommended to me - "Satan's Whore" "Fucking Hell, Kamala is on OnlyFans now ?"

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