Don't get one of those rescue cats. My gran had one, she fell, and the cat just literally sat there and did nothing.

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As my wife lay in the coma the doctors approached the life support machine. "No, no, please," I sobbed, "just a little while longer. ' But my pleading didn't help. They woke her up.

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A famous artist who had brown fingers. Picasso.

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Paedophiles are nasty, irritating bastards.But,to be fair,you will never see them speeding near schools or nurseries.

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My phone rang unexpectedly. ' Hello, this is Mr Richardson here, your son's music teacher. ' ' Hi,how can I help you? ' I asked. ' I think we have another Elvis on our hands, ' Mr Richardson said. ' Really! I didn't realise he was so talented, ' I replied. ' He isn't.We found him dead in the toilet when he went for a shit, ' Mr Richardson said.

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I broke up with my girlfriend when she confessed that she used to walk the streets and fuck random people. I could never date a traffic warden.

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My brother said, "I've just seen your girlfriends number written on a toilet wall. " "So fucking what, " I replied, "how do you think I met her. "

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I went to the dentist today and he said I should have a crown. I thought, At last! Someone who really understands me.

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I was parked in a disabled zone, when a traffic warden knocked on my window. "What's your disability then?," he asked. "Tourettes," I replied, "Now fuck off, you cunt."

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I know a blonde girl who's not that attractive but after I get drunk she looks gorgeous. I've nicknamed her Guinness Paltrow.

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I found a lump underneath my wife's breast. Nothing to worry about, it was just her kneecap.

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Apparently " Harder" is not a good choice of safe-word

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My missus was moaning and said I should try walking a mile in her shoes. Pfftt, stupid cow, she obviously has no Idea what I get up to when she fucks off to bingo.

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I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

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I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

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The Flintstones cartoon has been syndicated to parts of the middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it. But the people of Abu Dhabi do!

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Paedophiles and clocks. They both don't go past twelve.

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What's black and eats pussy to death? Cervical cancer

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A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I will wear gold tonight." The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver, and come 'second' for a change?"

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The Royal Family is devastated after Prince Andrew's car crash next Wednesday.

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Andrew Mountanything Windsor. .Im just glad his Mum has died and doesnt have all the stress.. .R.I.P. Barbara Windsor

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One remembers the ' Windsor- motto" : "Ge Arta my pub " !

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Andy's been told he might get twelve years. Got quite excited apparently.

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My wife and I both enjoy a cigarette but we would never subject our kids to the dangers of passive smoking. So we built them a shelter at the bottom of the garden.

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I hate standing in line. I wish she'd hurry up and pick a fucking suspect.

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I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless, and now I’ve got over 100 squatters.

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Never get so called fresh meat from butchers which carry the royal seal of approval. It's usually 15 years old.

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I got Rupert Lowe to help me fix a crashed computer. He restored it to 1930.

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We went to the local Bulimic Awareness Realization Foundation meeting yesterday...or barf for short. You can bring up anything you want.

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My wife asked why our three year old son was crying. "He kicked me in the balls," I said. "He's only young, he doesn't understand that it hurts." "He fucking does now," I replied.

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Is it just me or are all women's chat-up lines getting really lame? If I'm in the pub I'm fed up of hearing "Who's your handsome friend?" or "What's your friend's name?"

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I could never have been a racist slave owner with a cotton plantation. I don't allow niggers on my property.

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This young married couple moved in next door to me, they seem pleasant enough but they both have Down's Syndrome. I was having a chat with them over the garden wall and they told me that they're trying to start a family, I had to caution them "Two Mongs don't make a mite!"

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My bowel movements are like buses, nothing for ages then two come along at once. And they're always bright red.

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In today's world, it’s vital to establish a good vocabulary. If only I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', my wife would still be alive now

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Guy wants a new hunting dog. Sees a sign at a farm "FANTASTIC HUNTING DOG FOR SALE". So he enquires. Farmer says "this Labrador is only 6 months old, but it's really special" "How?" "It can walk on water. Watch." So the farmer takes the hunter to a pond, and throws a stick. The Labrador walks across the water and retrieves the stick, with only it's paws getting wet. The farmer does this three more times. "Wow! That's incredible!! How much?!" "£3000" "Ouch. Expensive, but I'll take it." * * * * The following weekend, the hunter is out shooting ducks with his mate, who is a bit of a blowhard. He decides to impress him with his new dog. He shoots a duck and sends the Labrador across the pond. It walks across the water, without getting wet, and retrieves the duck. The hunter's partner says nothing. This goes on for the rest of the day. The hunter bags six ducks, each time his new Labrador walks on water to retrieve the duck. But his partner makes no comment. So the hunter is a bit annoyed. On the drive home he finally turns to his hunting partner and asks: "Didn't you notice anything unusual about my new Labrador?" His partner replies: "Aye, it cannae fucking swim."

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Three things that never lie; 1. Young children 2. Drunks 3. Leggings

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Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor walks into a bar. In his cell. With his head pushed up against it as he gets anally fisted by his cell mate.

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Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met. They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows. She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life. She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session! In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?" He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

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Why did Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor get a beard trimmer for Christmas? Because he was a big fan of grooming.

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7 pints, 2 joints and half a Viagra. I'm feeling manly and walking out of the bedroom to wash my knob in the sink. "Can you paint the bedroom ceiling this weekend?" was not the first words I was expecting to hear the wife say when I ran the tap

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My missus said I was unromantic because I never wrote her a love letter...so I soon put that right. I love doggies I love bacon I love beer I love brandy I love guitars. I love football I love motorbikes I love computers I love chocolate I love walking I love chips You say I never wrote you a love letter. There you go!

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Breaking News - Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has decided to undergo gender reassignment as his sentence will be in an all female prison. Unfortunately, under the new name Andrea Mountsanything-HMPStirling, she doesn't realise that she will be sharing a cell with Fergie Slag-Bag.

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Breaking News - Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has decided to undergo gender reassignment as his sentence will be in an all female prison. Unfortunately, under the new name Andrea Mountsanything-HMPStirling, she doesn't realise that she will be sharing a cell with Fergie Slag-Bag.

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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its broom.

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Stop complaining about Wetherspoons toilets being so far away, just piss in your empty glass! You could even take a shit in it if you were that desperate.

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